Breakups break your heart and can be devastating, especially when you thought they were “The One.” What about some guys who seem to have your number, and yet they always turn out to be the biggest disappointments?

The truth is that we all have patterns in our intimate relationships. Changing these patterns is essential to creating the lasting love you desire. But first, you must overcome the current distress you are in and regain your confidence.

If you can master these seven skills, you’ll finally get over that ex you’re still obsessed with:

1. Turn off the ignition

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Your broken heart is an open wound right now and you need time to let it heal. Checking his Facebook and Instagram accounts or responding to his texts to “just be friends” will keep that wound open.

To start the healing process, you will want to cut off all contact. Block him on social media. Stop checking where he is or seeing if he’s in as much pain as you are.

Change their name on your phone to “Do Not Answer” and follow your instructions when they call or text. This way you won’t get sucked in again.

Just deleting it from your phone can cause a problem later when you accidentally answer that number that looks familiar. To heal a broken heart, turn off the contact is the first step.

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2. Don’t resist what you feel – let your feelings be expressed

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No one likes to be heartbroken. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. However, showing courage and trying to ignore the pain, anger, and sadness will only prolong the pain.

Your biggest fear may be that you will never feel happy or loved again. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Emotions are not static, best compared to ocean waves. They pass through you and then move away to be replaced by another emotion. When you cut off your feelings, they get stuck. What you resist persists.

Give yourself time to feel all these feelings. Play sad, heartbreaking songs and have a good cry. Research from 2015 confirms this that listening to sad songs while you are sad can help.

Schedule time to just scream into a pillow or underwater in a bath. Let your feelings out and you will find that you feel better faster.

Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself – feel the sorrow of your broken dreams and unfulfilled hopes. There is no need to feel pity because your desire for love is part of your human existence.

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3. Give up hope that he will magically become “The One”

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It’s hard to lose hope when a relationship ends. A part of you always wishes and hopes that things will magically change and you will return to the way they were before. Accepting that this will never happen is an important but difficult step.

It’s not going to magically change and become “The One”. He is who he is. Needing him to change for the relationship to work will only lead to more heartache for you. Research confirms that people can change, but only if they want to.

Stop waiting for him to change his mind. Kill the hope that he will see what a fool he was for ending things, that he will become someone other than who he is right now.

It seems a little harsh, but you’ll be fine. When you give up hope that it’s him, you open up the possibility for someone else – someone better – to enter your life.

Of all the ways to heal a broken heart and move on, this one can be the hardest. This little girl inside you wants so much to prove to him that you are worthy of his love. Giving up hope is one of the most loving acts you can undertake.

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4. Forgive him and yourself and learn from the experience

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Forgiveness is valuable and benefits you in every area of ​​your life. Research consistently shows that practicing forgiveness can significantly benefit your health. But you won’t be ready to forgive until you’ve given yourself time to grieve.

There is no need to rush into forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel all those bad feelings first, because they pave the way for you to reach a place where you can forgive and move on.

For those following a spiritual path, it is important to feel the full range of your human emotions. It’s okay to be angry, but don’t take destructive action. Just allow your emotions to be as they are.

There is nothing wrong with any of your feelings. They’re not bad. They are human. Forgiveness requires a conscious choice to release your hurt, anger, and resentment, whether they deserve it or not. This doesn’t condone or excuse their behavior, nor should you simply forget what happened.

You also need to forgive yourself for your behavior in the relationship. Maybe your communication hasn’t always been kind. Or maybe you’ve made mistakes and regretted things you said or did.

Own your mistakes and taking responsibility for your half of the equation is good. Taking on too much responsibility and blaming yourself for the failure of the relationship will only make things worse.

The relationship dance is like any other couple dance: it takes two to create it. You are only responsible for your actions, not for the other person’s behavior or response.

What has this relationship taught you? Did you need to learn to set clearer boundaries?

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5. Identify what attracts you to unhealthy habits

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You learned to love in your family of origin, just as you learned to walk, talk, and tie your shoes. Once you know these things, you do them on autopilot. You don’t decide who you find attractive in a room full of people — it just happens.

When you walk into a room with a few hundred people you’ve never met before, some of them stand out. The rest are like extras in your film. They are there, but a little gray, in the background, and a little blurry.

What you learned about love in your family of origin may not align with what you actually desire in an intimate partnership, revealing the unhealthy pattern you have been an unconscious servant of, research confirms this. We call this love program that you learned in your family Your Love Imprint.

This is what causes the familiar to be highlighted, while the great guy who would be a perfect match for you is simply grayed out. He doesn’t even show up for you. It’s as if he didn’t exist.

Eventually, when you discover your unhealthy patternyou will clearly know what you need to do to transform it.

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6. Be clear about what you really want before jumping into another relationship

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Most people wait until they find a person who gives them all the feels, and from there they try to make the relationship work. You don’t have to choose between having chemistry or not.

Never settle for a relationship without spark. You can’t settle for a lifetime. At some point it won’t be worth staying anymore. 2013 research indicates that most people settle down because they are afraid of being alone.

Without that spark, it’s too easy to drift away when you reach that inevitable second stage of a relationship. Instead, create a clear vision of the relationship you want without inserting a face into the dream. Know how you want the relationship to work.

Decide in advance what dynamic you would like to have between the two of you. Before you meet, choose the feelings he evokes in you and any bodily sensations you would like to feel.

You are the master creator of your life. No one can do this for you. No man will come along and suddenly make your life better. It’s up to you to create a life that is in harmony with your highest and best self, and then create the vision of the relationship you want.

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7. Say “no” to what you don’t want

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There is a caveat that may appear, and when it does, you must commit to staying on the road to lasting love with an ideal partner. The old pattern may appear – the very tempting familiar situation with that guy lighting up all the colors inside you may try to suck you in once again.

It is very important to say “no” to the old way of being and reject it. This guy is just a reminder that you know better now. That you have evolved beyond him and his type.

The familiar may seem very tempting, but it’s up to this newly educated version of you to refuse it. You know that you deserve to have what you really want.

You can stumble and hit that snooze button over and over again, and you’ll always get another chance. You will always have another opportunity to grow towards your loved one.

He’s the guy who will be by your side no matter what, the one you can count on as surely as you know the sun will rise tomorrow, and the one you’re hot for and who is also hot for you.

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Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and the founders of Create love on purpose with a holistic approach to transform hidden blockages into love, and the authors of Do it right this time.