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/ˌkoʊ.dɪˈpen.dəns.i/

Most people know how fantastic a romantic relationship is, whether it’s the kindness of your mother, the constant presence of your best friend, or the support of your partner. But sometimes these situations can almost be Also close – and reach levels of codependency. This means that one or both parties lose their independence because they feel the need to respond to their partner’s mood when deciding everything from where they go to what they do, sometimes out of fear of the other person’s reaction.

In a codependent relationship, “we feel like we can’t stand on our own two feet,” says Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist and author of Generation Anxiety. “It’s a magnetic attraction. Partners need something from each other, whether it’s approval, security, or attention. We live in the context of what the other might be feeling.

Although not always the case, codependent relationships frequently occur in people who have a anxious attachment style because they “Velcro to their partner and fear what life would be like without them.” This can work for some couples, Cook says, as long as the relationship is rooted in good communication and respect, or the codependency occurs in small doses. But in the long run, it can erode your sense of confidence and your ability to “listen to your intuition and make decisions.”

We should instead aim interdependencea state in which we feel closeness and vulnerability with others without our self-esteem depending on them. “It’s not a bad thing for us to need each other,” Cook reminds, but it’s essential to continue to cultivate your hobbies and interests, make your own choices, and be your own person.

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