Being a big shot shooter has never been a top priority for this writer, but according to an unreliable source from the wilds of North Hamilton County, shooting season opened in various categories on September 28, 2024 and will will end on January 5. , 2025.

The group includes Robin Hood, young armed snipers ages 6 to 18, Revolutionary War veterans, and the rest of the legal (and illegal) deer killers with their era-era Thompson machine guns. ‘Al Capone.

According to the Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency (TWRA) website, the rules and regulations are written in clear language so that no inadvertent killing of does, fawns or Crocodile Dundee mimics takes place.

As a precaution, however, it is necessary to contact the big game hunter in Moreland, Georgia for their favorable opinion on the topic of deer hunting.

In “You Can’t Put No Boogie Woogie on the King of Rock and Roll” (1991 – Villard Books), Lewis Grizzard (LG) cuts through the red tape and confidently informs the murderous public on how to enjoy the sport of no -smokers. -kings in “Revised Grizzard Rules for Hunting Deer and Exploding Deer”:

Rule #1: If you kill a deer, you must eat it. None of these trophies kill or shoot a deer for the simple pleasure of watching it fall. We kill cows to get a hamburger, so killing a deer to get something good to eat, I think, is acceptable. An addendum to rule #1 is that you must eat the deer whole if you kill it. Okay, you don’t have to eat the pancreas or the large intestine, but anything edible, you have to eat everything.

Addendum #2 to Rule #1 states that you cannot kill a second deer until you have eaten the first. If you kill a second deer, a game warden will be sent to your home to check your freezer and make sure none of the first deer remain. If you kill a second deer before eating all of the first, you must eat the second’s pancreas, but you can prepare it however you like. I am a just man.

Rule #2: You must hunt naked. Deer don’t have clothes, do they? This whole cover-up is just a hoax and should not be allowed if this thing is to be truly right. I realize you might be a little nervous there, and there are all these brambles and barbed wire fences, but hey, it’s not an Easter egg hunt.

Rule #3: Forget Uzis and bazookas. You can only have one bullet when you go hunting. Barney only had one bullet and Andy didn’t even carry a gun, and they kept Mayberry safe. Sorry, buddy, you missed. Go home and get another ball and you can try tomorrow.

Rule #4: If you happen to shoot another person by mistake, it would be downright corny to ask the deceased’s family to allow you to have the victim’s head to hang on the den wall . Except in Maine, where it’s rather expected.

Rule #5: You cannot at any time say that you are hunting deer because you are (1) doing the deer a favor by killing them, because if you don’t, there will be too many deer and many of them they will die of hunger; or (2) it is your way of communing with nature. If you’re worried about deer starving, why not take some food into the woods and feed the poor animals instead of killing them? And if you just want to commune with nature, grab a pair of binoculars and go bird watching. This way, if you spot a three-toed, black-billed red ratbird, there are no rules requiring you to eat the damn thing, like there are in deer hunting.

Rule #6: If you don’t follow rules 1-5, the next time you’re in the woods, Smokey the Bear may eat you for your hat, something he’s been doing to Boy Scouts for years.

(If you’d like to share a father-son experience before it’s too late, because land developers will soon remove the green foliage that provides food and shelter for Bambi and his loved ones!)

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If you have additional information on any of Mr. Summers’ articles or have suggestions or ideas for a future Chattanooga area historical piece, please contact him at [email protected])

Jerry Summers