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    • Ask Eric: I suffer from the grief of being alone, even though I’m not.
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    Ask Eric: I suffer from the grief of being alone, even though I’m not.

    Pabio Posted on

    Dear Eric: I am a woman in my fifties. I have never been married or had children. It was always my father who raised me and my brother (who died at the age of 40). I’m in a long term relationship and we both respect and love each other.

    My father is almost 80 years old and not in very good health. I can’t help but worry that when my father and my partner leave this Earth, I will be all alone.

    The friends I had for over 20 years continued to build their lives. I was left behind for reasons I prefer not to explain. I’m afraid of finding myself alone. I feel like I’m already grieving. The shape of the world we live in is depressing.

    How can I cheer myself up? I’ve tried some exercises, but I have arthritis and it limits me. I would gratefully appreciate any advice you can give me. – Upside down

    Dear backwards: Anticipatory grief is the experience of feeling sadness before a loss occurs. It can be very difficult to navigate because there is no event to hold on to in the present.

    However, you have already taken the first step to confronting it, which is recognizing that you feel it. Don’t be afraid to talk about your fear with your partner or father as well. You may feel like you have to deal with this on your own, which will only add to your fear of being alone after their death. By expressing your love and the questions you are struggling with, you open the door for them to help you process them and perhaps see new perspectives.

    A conversation with your father might be more about how you can make sense of the time you have. The conversation with your partner can also include practical discussions about planning or how your partner can help you in your efforts to cheer yourself up.

    Even telling those we love that we are going through a difficult time can open the door inside of us and let in some light and relief. Additionally, it can be helpful to say, “I have planned what I am doing. I can plan, and in that moment I will be present in my life and with the things that bring me joy.

    Talking about how you’re feeling with a counselor will also be helpful, as will trying to think of activities or communities you can get involved in right now to strengthen your support system.

    Dear Eric: I allowed a new boyfriend to move in with me. I’ve been a widow for six years and thought it would be wonderful. He is having some issues after being forced to leave a previous relationship and has expressed how grateful he is that I came into his life.

    I guess my problem is that he can be very negative and is sometimes unhappy that my adult children are with me. He states that he would probably be living in his car or dead somewhere. He has family from whom he is somewhat estranged. I feel like I’ve lost a little of my independence and that now it would be better to be a little alone. – Feeling regrets

    Dear Regrets: Resenting your children for being there is a red flag. Coupled with his negativity and the comments he makes about what would happen if you hadn’t let him move in, his behavior seems manipulative to me.

    I fear this is a pattern of behavior for him. You should ask yourself if this person is taking advantage of you and your relationship. If he’s not creating a generative, positive space in your now-shared home and he’s trying to push your kids away, at best he’s not capable of being a good boyfriend. At worst, he tries to isolate you.

    It’s not too late to tell him that this arrangement isn’t working and that he needs to make other plans. He can bring the car or the ditch; These possibilities do not cancel your experience. And they don’t necessarily have to be his reality. He can and must take responsibility for his life situation. You can help him think through his options, if you have the ability, but you’re not stuck just because he’s in a bad place in his life.

    If he really is as grateful as he claims to be, maybe this conversation will inspire him to make amends and make some changes. But right now, it seems like he needs to do some work on himself before he’s ready to pursue a relationship with you. If you need help leading a conversation, don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend or your children.

    Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

    Pabio
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