DEAR ERIC: I allowed a new boyfriend to move in with me. I’ve been a widow for six years and thought it would be wonderful. He is having some issues after being forced to leave a previous relationship and has expressed how grateful he is that I came into his life.

I guess my problem is that he can be very negative and is sometimes unhappy that my adult children are with me. He states that he would probably be living in his car or dead somewhere. He has family from whom he is somewhat estranged. I feel like I’ve lost a little of my independence and that now it would be better to be a little alone.

– Feeling regrets

DEAR REGRETS: Resenting your children for being there is a red flag. Coupled with his negativity and the comments he makes about what would happen if you hadn’t let him move in, his behavior seems manipulative to me.

I fear this is a pattern of behavior for him. You should ask yourself if this person is taking advantage of you and your relationship. If he’s not creating a generative, positive space in your now-shared home and he’s trying to push your kids away, at best he’s not capable of being a good boyfriend. At worst, he tries to isolate you.

It’s not too late to tell him that this arrangement isn’t working and that he needs to make other plans. He can bring the car or the ditch; These possibilities do not cancel your experience. And they don’t necessarily have to be his reality. He can and must take responsibility for his life situation. You can help him think through his options, if you have the ability, but you’re not stuck just because he’s in a bad place in his life.

If he really is as grateful as he claims to be, maybe this conversation will inspire him to make amends and make some changes. But right now, it seems like he needs to do some work on himself before he’s ready to pursue a relationship with you. If you need help leading a conversation, don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend or your children.

(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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