Paternity was not Shemar Moorewas the focus of most of his life, but when his mother died suddenly, everything changed for the actor.

“When my mother died, I felt like I was passing out,” Moore, 54, tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue. His mother, Marylin Joan Wilson-Moore, died due to multiple sclerosis and heart disease in 2020.

He had been acting for just under three decades at that point, but he mostly remembers feeling “selfish” because of how he had spent his life. “I pursued my career so hard because I was – and still am – determined not to fail. But in this quest not to fail, what do you sacrifice? What do you lose?”

Marylin’s death made CRUSH The star realizes how much he had given up. “I thought, ‘Wow, I was selfish.’ I did everything for me, I did everything to chase girls, live my life and kick ass with my friends and all she ever wanted was to be a grandmother.

It was his “dream,” he said. “And I still feel guilty.”

He welcomed her first child, daughter Frankiewith girlfriend Jesiree Dizon in January 2023, just before the third anniversary of Marylin’s death, and since then, the star has had a whole new perspective on her career.

“Now I just want to perform in a passionate place. Whether a lot of people are watching or a few people are watching, whether there’s an award attached to it or not, I just want to perform, make my mother proud,” says- he. “And then one day Frankie is going to say, ‘That’s my daddy. That’s my daddy.’ That’s it.”

Looking back, he says Marylin’s death was both “the most difficult time of my career” and “the most difficult time of my life.”

“She was my inspiration. She was my best friend. We loved hard, we fought hard, but there was no filter. My mother raised me with impeccable honesty. We talked about sex, we We talked about drugs. We talked about politics. We talked about the good. We talked about the bad. She gave me structure.

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He continues: “My life and my career were meant to make her proud. It still does. Her voice is still in my head and in my heart. “What would my mother say? What would my mother think about this?” It affected me and still affects me today. I miss her dearly.”

The shock of the loss only added to this pain. “I didn’t realize she was going,” he said. “I don’t know if it would have been any different if it was written on the wall. Just, I woke up on a Saturday and got a slap in the face.”

She had “health issues,” as Moore notes, since she was diagnosed multiple sclerosis in 1999but “she didn’t want to go.”

“I think she was tired,” he admits. “She was a superhero. She wanted to take care of the world. She wanted to take care of everyone but she didn’t know how to take care of herself. And I tried my best to do that, but I’m the only one.” my child, I couldn’t be there 24/7.”

For more from Shemar Moore, pick up this week’s issue of PEOPLE, available Friday.

“It was the most difficult moment of my life and it affected my career. It brought me to my knees. It made me angry, it made me sad, but it made me extremely stronger, to survive and win by any means necessary,” he said. .

Now he’s focused on “being the best friend I can be, being the best version of myself, being the best partner, and being the best fucking dad I’ve ever had to Frankie.”