Watching your adult child become distant, even hostile, can be heartbreaking as a parent. Many parents I coach come to me deeply hurt and confused, wondering what went wrong and how they can repair their connection with their child.

These behaviors often leave parents stuck between a rock and a hard place, whether without provocation. angerdismissive comments or outright nastiness. They want to support their child, but they are also hurt and, in many cases, feel disrespected.

In my experience as a parenting coach, I have found that when parents respond calmly, firmly, and with empathy, they can gradually change the dynamic in even the most difficult situations. Drawing on the principles of my book, 10 days for a less defiant childI will share practical strategies to help you manage these situations and foster a more respectful and compassionate relationship with your adult child.

1. Stay calm and grounded, even when it hurts

When your adult child lashes out or acts nastily, the natural reaction is to fight back or withdraw. However, acting on these impulses often reinforces the negative cycle. Take, for example, Lisa, a 50-something mom whose daughter Tessa frequently criticizes her, calling her “controlling” or “old-fashioned.” When Tessa’s words sting, Lisa has learned to pause, take a deep breath, and resist the urge to rewind. Instead, she acknowledges her feelings and reminds herself that getting drawn into an argument won’t help her.

This practice – pausing and staying calm – gives you the power to stay centered and in control. Remember that while you can’t control your child’s words or actions, you can control your response. Your calmness can defuse the situation, creating space for healthier communication.

2. Be firm and set boundaries, but avoid controlling

Adult children often perceive advice, even well-intentioned, as judgmental or intrusive. Instead of giving advice or instructions, focus on calm implementation borders and stick to it. For example, if your son Kyle has a habit of only calling you when he’s upset, lashing out, and venting his frustrations, set a limit on how these conversations take place.

You might say, “Kyle, I’m here for you, but I want us to convert respectfully. If this turns into an attack, I need to get away. By setting your boundaries as a way to protect the conversation rather than control it, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and more likely to encourage respect.

When training parents, I encourage them to be “calm, firm and non-controlling,” a strategy that is particularly useful here. It’s about maintaining dignity and the relationship, even if lecturing or imposing one’s will is tempting.

3. Lead with empathy and listen rather than lecture

When parents feel hurt, it’s easy to slip into a preachy role, trying to get the adult child to see how they’re behaving. But often what your child needs is to feel understood. Take Jim, whose 25-year-old son Aidan rarely says anything positive and is critical of Jim’s life choices. Instead of defending himself, Jim responded empathetically, “Aidan, it sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure or frustration. I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.

Leading with empathy does not mean excusing hurtful behavior, but taking a step back to understand the feelings behind it. Listening to understand rather than to thwart can change the dynamic, creating opportunities for more respectful exchanges. Your child might still lash out, but he’ll feel less of a need to fight back if he knows he’s being heard.

4. Practice self-care and self-compassion

Parental love can be both a blessing and a burden, especially when your adult child misbehaves. It’s essential to take care of yourself emotionally so you don’t feel constantly exhausted. Focus on building your emotion resilience facing complex interactions with strength, not despair. A mother took up tennis to increase her social connections and not feel too absorbed in her adult daughter’s drama.

Carve out time to take care of yourself, whether by joining a support group, spending time with friends, or engaging in a hobby you enjoy: practice self-compassion by reminding yourself that you are doing your best in a difficult situation.

5. Remember that patience is key

Changing the dynamic with your adult child takes time and you are unlikely to see instant results. There will be days when you feel like things are getting better and other days when you feel like nothing has changed. Focus on being calm, firm and empathetic and remember that real change takes time.

If your child’s behavior does not improve over time, you may need professional help to address the underlying problems. However, consistent, compassionate boundaries and listening can often lead to meaningful change.

Thoughts to Remember

As parents, you remain a role model, even when your child is older. Respond calmly, firmly and empathetic strength isn’t easy, but it sets a powerful example for your child and keeps you aligned with your values. Remember, the goal is not to change them directly, but to change the way you respond so that a healthier, more respectful relationship can develop.