DEAR ERIC: I have been battling a mild autoimmune disease for three decades that flares up from time to time. Normal life is difficult during flares, especially when I have to raise a family and run a business with my husband. I did my best.

About five years ago I became extremely ill and it only got worse. During this time, I mourned the loss of my two brothers and my father. Other traumatic things happened as well.

I’m trying to heal, and most of all, I’m trying to make the most of every day I have, even if I don’t. I regularly read your wonderful column. What would you recommend to help me with the bit of bitterness I feel towards people who complain about the most minor, often ridiculous issues, people who waste their precious days with anger or resentment over things that are not very important while there are people just hoping for another year.

– No complaints

DEAR NO COMPLAINTS: I am always struck with awe when I read the wise words of Kate Bowler, a professor at Duke Divinity School and scholar of Christianity, who often writes about life after a diagnosis of stage IV colon cancer. In her book “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved,” she writes: “I keep having the same nasty thought: I’m preparing for death and everyone is on Instagram. »

How can everyone be so caught up in their own little problems when life is so fragile and fleeting? We often intentionally fail to see the preciousness of our days because we are reminded of their finiteness.

Even if other people’s short-sightedness irritates you, use it to remind yourself that they didn’t do the work you did. And that they are leading, to paraphrase Ian McLaren, a battle about which we know nothing. For many people, this struggle is about struggling with the lack of meaning in their own lives.

Bitterness steals crumbs of your gratitude and respect. So, use this feeling of bitterness as an alarm: alert! This person is not in the same situation as me. Use it as permission to ignore them (or even completely remove them from your life for a while) and refocus on yourself, your journey, and the parts of your life that connect you to meaning, wonder and gratitude.

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DEAR ERIC I would like to add something to your response to “No Poker Face,” a white man in his 60s who asked how he should have responded to racist comments from an old friend.

I highly recommend the Southern Poverty Law Center’s collection of downloadable PDFs, “Speak Up: Responding to Everyday Bigotry.” Formerly a book, “Speak Up” is a treasure trove of examples on how to respond to these all-too-familiar situations, from Thanksgiving dinner to the workplace and everywhere in between.

– Difficult conversation

DEAR CONVERSATION: Thank you for pointing this out. What a great resource.

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DEAR READERS: On November 10, 2024, I am excited to join psychology researcher Dacher Keltner and creative entrepreneur Mali Bacon in a public conversation about gratitude at the Spirit & Place Festival in Indianapolis. You can find more information at spiritandplace.org. I hope you will join us!

(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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