A man posting a schedule reminder.

Source: Karolina/Pexels, Canva

Recently, a minor mistake felt like a punch in the gut. I forgot to pack my kids’ water bottles again.

“They will survive,” my husband reassured me. But the brutality of my fault persisted as I imagined their dry mouths and disappointed faces. On top of that, I was afraid of being seen as a disorganized parent.

Very early in my life, I learned to associate forgetfulness with fragility. Forgetting led to consternation and lecturing from adults, and interruption when others had something more important to say that they didn’t want to forget.

Forgetting is part of the human condition, and yet it has acquired a bad reputation in modern society. Instead of even seeing minors memory as endearing oddities, we pathologize them, fearing that they are signs of ADHD, dementia, Long-haul COVIDor aging, which society has also considered pathological due to ageism. When memory problems are linked to illness, affected individuals have difficulty feeling appropriately valued. productivity and a status-obsessed society. On the other hand, lifestyle factorslike the poor stress managementLack of sleep and juggling multiple responsibilities can also cause forgetfulness.

We are bombarded with messages from a multi-billion dollar industry of memory-enhancing drugs, as well as endless reminder apps, indicating not only that perfect memory is possible (it’s not), but that never forgetting is a prerequisite for competence. Ironically, fearing that forgetting means something is wrong with you is self-defeating. This is why some of my clients resist strategies like checklists and weekly pill organizers.

Memory makes our lives meaningful, productive and more enjoyable. It allows us to be better friends, and more responsible parents and partners, because we don’t forget to prepare school lunches and cupcakes for birthdays. This allows us to be more creative at school and more inventive at work. It can also be a matter of life and death; don’t forget to take courage medicine or getting a sleeping toddler out of a hot car is never optional.

But I try to be Perfect Remembering can also damage relationships and lead to frustration if your partner forgets to pick up milk on the way home, or to feeling resentful toward a friend who forgets your birthday.

When others don’t remember what we want them to remember, we assume they don’t care enough about us. This erroneous belief can fuel suffering and resentment. According to cognitive psychologist Daniel Willingham, author of Why students don’t like schoolwanting to remember something does not guarantee that you will remember it. In my experience, using strategies like writing reminders and setting alarm clocks are helpful, but even these aren’t perfect. Last night, for example, I was sure I set my phone alarm to wake up at 6 a.m., only to realize the next morning that I hadn’t pressed the “button” Save” when setting. So I woke up at 7 a.m. and felt defeated.

Worrying about forgetting also fuels self-doubt, which, in turn, affects how we interact with others. If I don’t remember the exact sequence of events, I leave them out of a conversation. Sometimes trying to remember everything leads me to forget to mention the most important information, the ones I most want the other person to remember. For example, I might explain why I enjoy a snack, but I forget to ask my husband to buy more at the store.

Forgiving forgetfulness, or at least tolerating it, does not mean that we cannot feel angry, hurt, or disrespectful about the forgetfulness of others, nor that we cannot feel disappointed in ourselves because of it. of our own mistakes. But we can talk openly about these feelings and find solutions while choosing to forgive.

Here are some tips to help you practice pardon for your own forgetfulness and that of others:

1. Accept that forgiving is a process. According to practitioners of radically open dialectical behavior therapy (RO-DBT), which helps those struggling with adjustment issues perfectionismForgiveness skills include grieving the loss of expectations you had for yourself and others, practicing gratitudeand remembering that all humans share a common bond of suffering (in this case, we all forgot). It takes work and repetition. Expect to forgive the oversight again and again. With practice, this should become easier and come more naturally.
2. Be spiritual. Spiritualityas opposed to organized religion, is the idea that there is a natural order to life’s events over which we have limited control. We can choose to reframe forgetting as part of the ups and downs of life, and even believe that unexpected benefits can come from it. For example, Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin when he forgot to cover a petri dish with bacteria. When I forgot to put goggles in my daughter’s summer camp bag, she realized she didn’t need them for swimming.
3. Lean into others. Forgiving forgetfulness involves both self-acceptance and not assuming that others will remember what is important to you. Remembering that there are many different types of memory can also be helpful; we all have strengths and challenges. For example, I remember better the stories people tell me about their lives, while I struggle to remember my home addresses or where I parked my car.
4. Take a break. Just as taking a break from searching for a lost item can help you find it more quickly when you resume your search, relieving yourself of the pressure to remember something can help you come back to the subject later with a state of calmer and more focused mind. Taking a break or putting it on the back burner can be an effective way to forgive your forgetfulness.

Forgiving Forgetfulness is an example of how an understanding of human psychology has the potential to not only help us feel more satisfied with our own lives, but also to create a more compassionate world. It reminds us that we need each other and each other’s forgiveness to thrive.