As a couples therapist, I find the same patterns repeating themselves over and over in my practice. Clients often ask me, “Why do I keep choosing people who are not good for me?” » They ended relationships with a problematic partner only to end up with someone similar the next time. So, what makes us choose partners who are not suitable for us? Below, we’ll explore the four most common reasons people fall into this pattern, illustrated with real-world examples of therapy. Plus, we’ll go over some tips to break these habits for good.

1. You are attracted to the familiar

For many, the way we love is deeply rooted in our earliest relationships. If you grew up with parents who were inconsistent, overly critical, or emotionally unavailable, you might be attracted to partners with similar characteristics. Even if it is painful, what is familiar can seem “normal,” leading us to repeat the cycles established during our formative years.

Take Emma, ​​for example. Raised by a distant and unaffectionate father, she unconsciously sought partners who reflected her distant attitude. “Why do I always fall for guys who are emotionally hard to reach? » she asked during a session. The truth was that Emma was comfortable with this dynamic despite the detrimental consequences for her. self-esteem. Her familiarity with feeling like she had to “earn” love or affection became a habit she didn’t consider unhealthy.

Advice: Self-awareness is essential. If you can identify familiar, unhealthy dynamics, take small steps to rewrite them. Train yourself to look for people who offer stability and kindness, even if they don’t bring the “rush” that the familiar roller coaster brings.

2. You are confusing chemistry and compatibility

Many people confuse intense chemistry with long-term compatibility. Although the “spark” is exciting, it can be misleading if it overlooks serious red flags. Chemistry can give you a rush that feels like love, but can fade quickly, leaving you with a partner who isn’t truly compatible with your values ​​or needs.

Think about Isaac, who met his girlfriend Lila at a friends’ party. The connection was instantaneous and he found her sense of adventure intoxicating. Yet as the months passed, their differences became stark: Lila was impulsive and unpredictable, and had difficulty committing to her projects, while Isaac valued stability and reliability. “But we had such a connection!” he told me, baffled by how quickly things happened.

Advice: When you’re interested in someone, please take a step back to assess compatibility beyond chemistry. Do they share your core values, or does this enthusiasm hide fundamental incompatibilities? Based on the advice of Why can’t you read my mind?Empathy and shared values ​​are the “emotional glue” that holds relationships together, especially when the initial chemistry fades.

3. You try to fix your partner

Many people play the role of “rescuer” or “fixer” in relationships. If you tend to be compassionate and empatheticyou might feel attracted to partners who need to be “saved” – perhaps they are having difficulty with their careerfacing a family crisis, or even fighting against dependence. While empathy is a beautiful trait, it can also be misapplied when it leads you to invest in someone’s potential rather than who they are in the present.

This was the case for Nora, who had a series of relationships with people who “needed her help.” Her last partner, Ben, struggled with long-standing personal issues and could rarely meet her needs. “I know he wants to change,” she said, but months passed with no improvement. Nora began to feel exhausted and resentful, but she couldn’t leave.

Advice: Rather than looking for people to save, focus on finding a partner who is already emotionally healthy and whole. Practice self-compassion and remember that your love cannot solve someone else’s difficulties. People need to be responsible for their own growth and healing.

4. You don’t believe you deserve better

Deep down, some people choose problematic partners because, deep down, they don’t believe they deserve a healthy, loving relationship. This may come from negative self-beliefs or a past traumaleading them to settle for partners who do not treat them with respect or care. You might find yourself rationalizing a partner’s bad behavior or excusing red flags, thinking that’s the best you can hope for.

Daniel was one of those customers. After a few failed relationships, he convinced himself that perhaps his standards were too high. He started dating Carla, who was often dismissive and quick to criticize him. “Maybe that’s how relationships go,” he told me. But his words spoke to a deeper problem: he felt unworthy of true love.

Advice: Work to develop a strong and positive approach self-image. Recognize that you deserve a partner who respects you and makes you feel valued. Reframe negative beliefs that tell you you’re “asking for too much” and seek a relationship rooted in mutual respect and care.

Break the cycle for good

If you recognize yourself in these stories, remember that change is possible. Breaking free from these patterns begins with awareness and commitment to different choices. Regaining control of your relationship patterns can be difficult, especially when what’s familiar is comforting. However, you can attract partners who truly enrich your life through introspection, therapy, and self-respect.

Relationships can – and should – improve your well-being. By choosing partners who are respectful, kind, and aligned with your values, you can create a relationship built on empathy, trust, and connection. Remember, empathy is the emotional glue that allows relationships to thrive. So make sure you’re with a partner who can look beyond themselves.