Regardless of who you are, the type of sex you like to have, or the people you like to have it with, the concept of being a side – the ethos of the side, if you will – contains some very important information that deserves to be taken into account for lovers of sexual relations. of all kinds. By decentering penetrative sex as the purpose of what constitutes “real” sex, the sideset mentality embodies a non-hierarchical and less goal-oriented approach to pleasure in which all forms of erotic touch and play have equal value-what is something everyone can benefit from it in bed.

Read on to learn all about what it means to be a team, how it’s done, and why the term is so important, not just for self-identifying gay men, but for sexuality as a whole.

What is a side?

TL;DR: “One side is someone, usually a gay man, who doesn’t like giving or receiving penetrative anal sex as their primary form of pleasure or intimacy,” says Casey Tanner, certified sexologist, sexpert for Lélo. “Unlike people who identify as tops or bottoms to signify their preferred role during anal penetration, those who identify as sides often communicate that they derive the most pleasure from activities like oral sex, manual work, rimmingmutual masturbation and more.

What do sides like in bed?

Short answer: sides can literally engage in any sexual activity other than penetrative sex (especially penetrative sex). anal sexin the traditional gay male context of the term). But what exactly a given side does can look very different from one side to the other.

“While both camps are united by their desire to not be boxed in by the expectation of anal sex, their other sexual preferences vary greatly from person to person,” says Tanner. “Activities that both parties might enjoy include oral sex, mutual masturbation, kissing, rubbing, Sado-Sadoand/or more verbal forms of sexual intimacy.

Kort notes that even if sides are, by definition, not fond of anal penetration, some may still enjoy other anal activities, such as rimming, or even giving or receiving penetration with fingers or toys.

Can partners still have anal/penetrative sex?

Although the defining characteristic of a camp is not giving or receiving anal sex, it, like everything about sex, falls on a spectrum. According to Kort, some parties might also identify as towardsmeaning they may be interested in a top or bottom sometimes or in certain circumstances.

“For example, one party may not feel interested in exploring penetration with new partners, but be willing to incorporate it with someone they’ve been dating for a long time,” says Tanner. “Comfort with penetration may depend on the location of sex, the emotional connection between partners, or simply how a person feels on a given day.”

Tanner also notes that, as with any sexual preference or identity, a person’s relationship with being one side or how they experience or define that identity can change over time — and that’s entirely normal ! Remember, labels exist to make people feel seen and included, not to box anyone into or out of a given identity.

Who can be a side?

The term was created for gay men and remains primarily associated with that community, but anyone of any gender or sexuality who does not consider penetrative sex to be part of their sex life can identify with the term.

“Although the term ‘side’ has emerged primarily within gay men’s communities, this identity has also gained traction among others who are more fulfilled by forms of intimacy outside of penetrative sex.” Tanner explains. “In the broader queer community, for example, some find the term useful to describe specific sexual roles, boundaries, or preferences beyond just sexual orientation. »

As our understanding of the many forms that sex and sexuality can take continues to grow and change, both on a personal and societal level, the words we use to talk about them evolve as well. “Language related to sexuality is constantly evolving, and we will likely continue to see terms native to one community being adopted by others in ways that work for them,” says Tanner.

And this fluidity of language reflects the fluidity of the identities and experiences it describes.

“For many, being a team means accepting what feels good without feeling obligated to follow a conventional script,” says Tanner. “This pleasure-centered approach to sex lends itself to more connective, relaxed, and intimate experiences between partners, regardless of who is involved.”

This is something I think everyone, stakeholders and otherwise, can get behind.

Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is the Deputy Sex & Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan US, where she covers all things sex, love, dating and relationships. She lives in Astoria, Queens and probably won’t stop talking about how awesome it is if you mention it. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.