I admit it. In the past, I’ve made a comment or two (or three or four) to my husband that if I were filmed, people would think I wasn’t very nice. Yes, I know you’ve been there too, because far too many of us complain to our girlfriends when the subject of husbands comes up.

What makes you laugh during the ladies’ cocktail stays in the ladies’ cocktail, but you are still responsible for how you react and interact with your husband. Honestly, sprinkle a little compassion into your tone of voice when communicating with him. Hurting your man’s feelings repeatedly, even by accident, will eventually cause serious problems in the marriage.

Women who use these five expressions often do not have good relationships with men:

1. What’s wrong with you?

Honestly, this sentence is emasculating. Saying it jokingly is one thing, but when you respond with this comment because your husband forgot to collect the milk when he got home, I can assure you he will never offer to collect the milk again.

Attacking someone with words is a roundabout way of expressing your feelings. If you feel frustrated that he forgot “the one thing” you asked him to do, try this instead: “I know you didn’t mean to, but when you forget the thing I asked you to do help, I feel like my needs don’t matter to you. Will you please do what you can to remember this next time? »

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2. What were you thinking?

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When your husband comes home and tells you how a situation he handled at work backfired on him, he’s looking for compassion and supportnot a demeaning criticism à la Simon Cowell from you. You have the right to disagree with the way your husband handles things, but if he hasn’t asked for your opinion, then calm down.

However, if he did ask for your opinion, then he seeks to solve the problem, not to be treated as a failure or a joke. Try this instead: “Well, if it were me, I probably would have said this ___.” Keep it simple and non-judgmental.

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3. Is that all you did?

Look, in a perfect world, our husbands would read our minds perfectly every time. But that’s not reality. If you expect something from your husband and don’t express itown your assumptions rather than spewing your disappointment in his general direction. Gottman Institute Research tells us that the only way to get what we want in a marriage is to ask for it.

Your husband offered to help you clean the children’s rooms while you go to the market. You come home to find that his definition of “straightening up” is him pulling the covers up on the beds and pushing the pile of toys to one side of the wall. In your head, you think your six-year-old could do a better job.

However, you haven’t clarified what “tidying up the kids’ rooms” means to you. So try this instead: “I appreciate you offering to clean their rooms. I realize I made a mistake in not specifying where the toys should go and how the beds are made, so next time I will. more precise. Thank you very much for your help! It means so much to me that you helped.”

4. Stop touching me

Yeah. We all know the one: your husband wants to have a spicy time and you’d rather stick needles in your eyes after the stressful, vomit-inducing, screaming child-like work day you just experienced. But guess what? You are allowed to feel this way and you are allowed to hit the pause button in response.

But instead of outright rejecting him or shaming him for asking, respond with a kiss or hug (come on…throw the guy a bone) and say, “Honey, I just need to decompress from the day so I can be present with you. »

He is not stupid; he’ll take the hint without you making him feel like a total rejection. The only downside is that this doesn’t mean you get a free pass for the week: you’re just as responsible for your intimate relationship as he is, so do what you want. Mental Tricks from the Jedi Help You Feel Ready for Intimacy then let him know when you are ready, able, and (finally) willing. Research from 2023 indicates that intimacy is important for relationship satisfaction.

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5. You are pathetic

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Ouch! Ladies, it’s definitely not cool to tell anyone (almost never). How old are you? Children say this when they feel angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, etc. Own your feelings and communicate them – like an adult.

Your husband just said something that (to you) seems aggressive and critical, but the solution is not to respond in kind. Be an adult and be direct: “I feel hurt/sad/alone in the relationship when you talk to me like that. If you feel angry or frustrated about something I did, then talk to me as a partner and don’t do it. push me against the wall with your words.”

So those are my five examples for you. Let everything marinate and think about how you talk to your husband in your marriage. Is it time to refine communication? Be respectful, be an adult, and for God’s sake, be kind.

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Carin Goldstein has been a licensed marriage and family therapist for over 10 years. She also writes about relationships and marriage and has shared her expertise in various magazines and websites such as Cosmopolitan, Women’s Daily, and Redbook.