Dealing with a narcissist can be destructive over time. The partner may question their instincts or doubt themselves, often backing down or abandoning their thoughts and opinions. Narcissists cover up the things they do wrong to avoid judgment, shame, or humiliation.

Understanding the destructive qualities of someone with NPD can make it possible to have a relationship with them while remaining safe.

Here are six ways to stay married to a narcissist, if you think you have to

1. Accept who they are, but don’t compromise

The only way to communicate with the narcissist is to accept who he is, a real, vulnerable self who feels imperfect for not being perfect, not to admire his grandiose false self who hides how he feels. This means not supporting them by meeting all of their needs or requests. They can communicate more authentically when they feel accepted for who they are.

Don’t compromise your goals or plans when you feel like you have to give in to what they want. Acknowledge their feelings and say “no” if necessary. Acknowledge their point of view, but also maintain yours. You can think about how they feel and keep your position.

2. Don’t let what they say affect you, it doesn’t reflect you

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Narcissists project their fantasies on others by thinking poorly of or distrusting others’ intentions. They also believe that others are critical of them, even if they are not.

So you need to be aware that they will most likely see you in the wrong way, but that’s not who you are – so don’t take this personally.

Don’t try to defend yourself because they will feel attacked and attack you in return.

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3. Understand the feeling behind their reaction and communicate their feelings

Instead of reacting, ask yourself what they are feeling behind their reaction and acknowledge their feelings.

You can say: “I understand that you felt hurt when I forgot to call and you feel unimportant. I’m sorry you feel this way. »

By doing so, you are indirectly letting them know that you are not who they think you are by listening to how they feel and acknowledging their suffering.

4. Accept how they feel, but don’t change your feelings

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Directly pointing out how wrong they are will cause them to devalue you for revealing who they are. Unless you show it, you understand them and give them the space to be heard and accepted for who they feel – the real me.

The only way to get closer to a narcissist is to show them that you understand them and their pain by recognizing how they feel when they understand their feelings of vulnerability. This way, they can feel accepted for who they are: an imperfect human being.

5. Set Limits and Boundaries

Don’t give in to their unrealistic expectations; you must stay true to yourself.

Being in a relationship with a narcissistic person does not mean that you collude with or give in to their expectations. You must set limits to their greatness. Otherwise, they will expect the world.

But gently let them fall off the pedestal so they can live in the real world and realign their expectations with reality.

The world is not their “oyster” and they shouldn’t get away with whatever they want. Otherwise, they continue to live in the crazy fantasy world of searching for endless supplies.

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6. Don’t confront their behavior and react, otherwise they will bring you down

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If the narcissist feels criticized, he will retaliate rather than take the comments about himself into account. So you have to gently deflate their size so that they don’t fall so hard and break.

There is an art form to talking with narcissists to open them up and let their emotional guard down. Behind the false self is usually a very vulnerable individual, such as described in the research of Green A, Charles K.

No one should tolerate narcissistic abuse or let them get away with their behavior. Otherwise, it allows them to continue to get away with harming the partner.

When narcissists feel criticized, they feel inadequate and project these feelings onto others rather than listening to their partner. A article in the American Journal of Psychotherapy explain how couples therapy can help the narcissist understand how their spouse feels and take into account constructive feedback about themselves.

The entry point to feeling love for a narcissist is to connect with their real, vulnerable self, to not conform to their false grandiose desires by giving them what they want.

Once they feel understood for how they feel, they are more willing to express their vulnerability and pain instead of stonewalling or cutting themselves off. Once they feel heard, they can start to listen to how you feel rather than being defensive.

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You may be wondering if there is any hope in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

“As an empath, you might be afraid of losing yourself in your relationship with a narcissist. You may feel used or taken for granted by a narcissistic partner who doesn’t value you at all.

Somehow you came to believe that everything was your fault and questioned your self-worth. It’s easy to lose yourself when you’re being beaten in a narcissistic relationship, especially if you fight back. Unfortunately, this can make you worse and harm you further.

To understand if you can stay together in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to understand what a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is like.

After being lured into a relationship with a narcissist, you may have realized that the person they are is not who they present themselves to be. Once you experience narcissistic rage, devaluation, gaslighting, infidelity, and rejection, you realize things are very different.

Once a narcissist has captivated their partner in a relationship, the real problems begin to emerge when the partner exposes what is really behind the false facade.

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When the partner stops reflecting their greatness or perfection, the narcissist feels deflated because they rely on their partner’s approval to keep their fragile self-esteem intact. The narcissist falsely believes that their partner makes them feel inadequate or empty. So they project their feelings onto their partner and find that things are wrong with them.

A study in the Personal Relationship Journal explain how gaslighting is a way to make the partner feel bad about their perception of reality. The narcissist protects his grandiose false self by projecting his inadequacies onto his partner.

The partner is considered an “extension” of the narcissist, a reflection of his self-esteem. This means they think you have to be perfect.

Narcissists expect a lot in a relationship, and this can make you feel like you don’t measure up to their standards. The narcissist may pressure their spouse to be perfect or to do things their way. The relationship with the narcissist consists of meeting his expectations to satisfy them, which has serious consequences because described by a study carried out in the Journal of Personality Disorders.

They will expect their partner to reflect how perfect they are by admiring them or doing the things they expect of them. So their partner often feels pressure to live up to their expectations so that they feel special. Otherwise, the narcissist feels empty or inadequate when others do not prioritize him or her.

You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells since you’re afraid to say anything that will shatter the narcissist’s fragile ego. This makes you feel like you need to be attentive to their needs and feelings at all times.

It seems that the only way to love narcissists is to meet their expectations, be on the same page as them, improve yourself, and not disagree or have a separate opinion.

Those who are in a relationship with a narcissist tend to have their every need met. Many end up losing themselves in the relationship or giving away a lot to support themselves.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist means you are at risk of being hurt

They get back on their feet by having affairs or indulging in addictions. They cut themselves off from their feelings or attack you, so they can’t take responsibility for their problems.

They cannot handle criticism or the revelation of their lack of perfection, so they devalue those who denounce them. When others are confronted with their mistakes, they feel the need to prove them wrong in order to win.

When loving a narcissist, you must always protect yourself. Don’t lose yourself and accept their negative projections.

When you can manage this, you can manage a relationship with a narcissistic person, provided the abuse is not a problem. There may be a fine line, but it’s up to you whether you want to take the risk of loving someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

You may want to see a therapist or ask them to go to therapy so that you can protect yourself.

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Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is certified as a mental health social worker.