Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 11 years now. We still really enjoy each other’s company and laugh together all the time. I really like it. However, it is terrible on special occasions (birthday, Mother’s Day, etc.).

Over the years, I’ve tried to drastically lower my expectations. I realized I had to say exactly what I wanted, plan it myself, and let go of any idea that I would feel special on those days.

For gifts, I will literally send him links to what I want, and he will still manage to buy the wrong thing. On my last birthday, the day came and I had just asked everyone to write or choose a poem on any topic to share. My husband worked with my oldest daughter, who wrote a very beautiful poem, but then completely ignored the rest of the request that everyone in the family had something to share.

Some version of this happens on every special occasion and I am so exhausted by it. I dread those days now, knowing that despite all the effort and work I put into everyone’s special days, I will receive the bare minimum and even that will go wrong.

The worst part is that my husband feels like he’s trying his best and is really putting in a lot of extra effort these days. He gets upset when I get upset that he hasn’t actually followed through on any of the (few, simple, clear) things I did for the day.

I just want to remove myself from all of this, but I can’t. How can I let go of this resentment and this knowledge that I can never expect him to accomplish anything these days?

– Not celebrated

Dear Non-Celebrities: You write that you can’t unsubscribe, but right? It may seem insignificant at first, but if you can’t be clear about what you want and what you don’t want on a day that’s supposed to celebrate you, when can you?

Your frustration is valid. While giving a gift isn’t everyone’s gift, a relationship depends on hearing and being heard. If he doesn’t actually listen to what you’re asking, it makes sense that you’ll feel resentful.

The communication part is something you should discuss separately – perhaps with a professional. The gift trade is probably a symptom and not the whole problem. Each person in the partnership feels clear and responds reasonably. And yet, there is a disconnect. This is worth delving into without the specter of every disappointing special occasion looming over the conversation.

It’s also important that you feel celebrated and valued.

Are there other people close to you who know how to make a special day brighter? Are you particularly good at celebrating yourself? Having something positive that doesn’t let you down can help you feel less resentful while your husband develops his skills.