Dear Annie:

I have been friends with “Martha” for 42 years. I always viewed our friendship as unstable, but excused his behavior because of his difficult upbringing. Growing up, not much changed. She gets angry over nothing and stops talking to me for sometimes months. When I was a kid, it was about things like making other friends or taking different classes. As an adult, it was more about lifestyle differences, like changing religion over and over again or going vegan, and not cutting ties with people whose beliefs she doesn’t agree with. opinions or habits. Despite all this, I always considered him family.

We are both single mothers and had our youngest children in our 40s; Mine is 14 and his is 11. A few years ago, Martha inherited a large sum of money from a rich uncle. At the time, she told me that if the inheritance was important, she would share part of it with me because, as she said, “we are family.” I thanked her but told her I wasn’t expecting anything.

Unfortunately, we didn’t speak when she received the money because of one of those temporary arguments, so I didn’t know how much she received, but it changed her life. She bought a house, several cars, a condo for her eldest son and gave large sums of money to her adult children. We both struggled financially, so I was really happy for her and never brought up the offer she made to give me some of it.

Later, when we started talking again, she told me again that I was family and that if I ever needed anything, I should ask. I made it clear that I didn’t want to ask her for money, but she insisted that she loves me, that I’m family, and that’s what she wanted me to do.

About a year ago, my youngest son became self-conscious about his crooked teeth and almost stopped smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help me with the aligners, but I couldn’t get the financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to ask Martha for help. It was hard, but she had told me several times that she wanted to be there for me and I stupidly believed her. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 to cover the treatment and promised to pay her back. She immediately agreed and told me I didn’t have to, saying, “You’re family and I’m happy to give it to you.” » I was overwhelmed with gratitude, literally in tears, and told her I would pay it back, but she insisted I didn’t need it.

Now, about a year later, she is angry with me over political differences. She recently sent me a hurtful message saying that I was being selfish and that by asking for this money I was willing to disrespect her for doing something for my “real family”. I reminded her of her repeated offers and she said she didn’t expect me to actually ask for a loan of money and certainly not as much if I did. She said my request caused her to be $2,000 short of buying another house, which seems unlikely to me, and I think her anger is more about our political differences.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to cut ties, send him the $2,000, and move on after learning a painful lesson at the cost of a 42-year friendship. But the other party wants to forgive him, return the money and continue the friendship. I feel sad, ashamed for asking him for help and like I should have known better. No matter how hard life is, I never ask for help, and this is a very harsh reminder of why. – Conflict

Dear Conflict:

A true, meaningful friendship shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster, where kindness is offered one minute and weaponized the next. Even when you and Martha are on “good” terms, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and she gets angry again.

Return the money, if you are financially able, and walk away from this toxicity. Just because you’ve been friends for so long doesn’t mean you have to stay and be mistreated.

“How can I forgive my cheating partner? » is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology – featuring her favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation – is available in paperback and e-book form. Visit for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].

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