A common question faced by couples counselors and family therapists is: “How healthy and normal is fighting?” »

This question is difficult to answer because there is no set amount of fighting a couple can endure before it damages their relationship or marriage. But one thing is certain: it is not acceptable to argue too much in a way that causes harm to one or both partners.

So how do you stop fighting with your partner when you know you’re fighting too much and can’t control your temper?

Here are 5 ways to control your anger so your marriage doesn’t become explosive:

1. Talk about how you learned about anger as a child

Choose a time when everything is going well between the two of you to talk about your affair with anger or rage. Everyone learns to deal with anger differently.

A study in the Journal of Marriage and Family demonstrates how your partner may have come from an explosive home where people raised their voices or even resorted to violence, while you may have been raised in a home of quiet resentment.

Your stories are nothing to be ashamed of – they are simply the experiences you have had and must face to find a way to deal with anger and frustration together.

Listen gently and compassionately while your partner speaks and tell them how much you care. Understand that it may take some time for one or both of you to understand how you were raised and how that influences you today, especially if you are not used to talking about it. kind of deep stuff.

So don’t insist too much at once. If this is a difficult conversation to have, it might be good to get support from a professional like a counselor, therapist, coach, or clergy member you trust.

2. Identify the “triggers” that make you lose your cool

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Be honest with yourself, even if it’s not very fun to face.

Remember that even the healthiest, happiest people you know have things that excite them and push them to blow off steam.. The key is to know yours so that you are prepared to respond in healthy ways when pushed, such as suggested by a study The expansion log. Once you have a good idea of ​​what triggers your mood, talk to your partner in a peaceful, quiet moment.

It can be helpful to frame the conversation with “I” rather than “you” statements. For example, you might say, “When I hear ______, I lose my temper because I feel ______.”

Once you know what pushes your buttons, think about how your body feels when that trigger button is pressed. Most likely, your heart rate increases, you start to feel hot, and your muscles tighten.

When you feel these things happening, remind yourself that this is what it feels like to go into “fight” mode.. Once you recognize this, you can choose how to proceed before you blow yourself up.

RELATED: How to Stop Someone Else’s Triggers From Becoming Your Trauma

3. Find a phrase or system when one of you is about to lose your temper

In our family, we use the “red light code,” where green means calm and cool, yellow means things are heating up and heading into bad territory, and red means it’s time to stop.

Another system that might work in your marriage is saying, “I need a time out” or “Let’s calm down.” Then agree to separate and leave for at least fifteen minutes.

You can even put a sign on your door making it clear that you are calming down or taking a break and not to be disturbed. You can’t chase, call, or text each other right now, even if you’re tempted. Stop.

RELATED: 4 Peacemaking Phrases That Work Like Magic With (Almost) Anyone in Your Life

4. Set a time when you will come back to speak

For some couples, twenty minutes is enough time to feel calm and able to approach each other with love and thoughtfulness. For others, an hour or two works best.

Either way, let the other person know you’ll come back to resolve the issue so they don’t feel abandoned.

Walking out in the middle of the fight without saying a word and then giving “the silent treatment” it’s not the same as taking a break. That’s why it’s best to come up with a plan before your next argument.

If returning to it after a short time doesn’t work, try postponing the conversation until the next day.

RELATED: People Who Know How to Resolve Conflict in Relationships Master These 8 Necessary Skills

5. Learn how to better manage conflict to avoid getting angry in the first place

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Using the “time out” method is good, but what’s even better is learning to communicate in a way that won’t make you as angry.

A 2008 study states It’s important to do the work to learn how to manage your anger so you don’t have to walk away from conversations as often.

There’s no simple guide to learning how to do this, but being honest with yourself about your role in conflict is an important first step, as research on attachment style and conflict suggests. published in the American Journal of Family Therapy.

If you need to ask for help to stop arguing with your boyfriend, wife or partner, don’t be afraid! Couples counseling, as well as individual therapy, are investments toward lasting happiness, both in your personal life and as a couple.

When you envision the relationship you dream of, happiness is undoubtedly at the heart of it. So don’t hesitate to ask for help to find it!

When a pipe breaks in your home, you call a professional plumber. If pipes burst in your relationship, contacting a professional is just as wise. Until then, follow these five key steps to argue less and fight healthily.

In the video, experts including Chris Shea, Sharon Davis, Nancy DreyfusAnd Stan Tatkinoffer their best advice to help couples control their anger and fight more fairly so they can save their marriage from destruction.

RELATED: Psychologist Reveals 3 Best Ways to Respond to an Angry Spouse

The YourTango Experts team includes licensed therapists, dating and life coaches, matchmakers, and other professionals committed to providing you with the tools and guidance needed for a happier, more fulfilling life.