DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, my uncle, having never met my then-boyfriend, made a series of racist jokes about him. (My boyfriend is part Asian.)

These jokes were made on my blog, which another family member had shared with my uncle without my consent. For example, if I wrote that I was attending a party, my uncle would comment, “Make sure to bring spring rolls for Chang!” (My boyfriend’s name is not Chang and he is not Chinese.)

Years later, my father died suddenly. My uncle then supported me and my boyfriend was cordial with him as a sign of kindness towards me. My uncle said he would be honored to one day attend my wedding instead of my father, whom he idolized.

I didn’t mention the offer to my boyfriend, because we weren’t thinking of getting married at the time and he seemed to get along with my uncle. But then we got engaged.

When I mentioned the previous jokes to my uncle, saying that I was happy that he and my fiancé had put this behind them, he completely denied that it had happened. He seemed to completely forget how cruel he had been years ago. This infuriated my fiancé, and he is now strongly opposed to my uncle even being present at our wedding.

How am I going to tell my uncle this?

The truth is, I think my uncle was a fool back then and now he wants to rewrite history because he doesn’t want to believe he could have been that ignorant. An apology would go a long way, but I know he won’t.

GENTLE READER: Some things are painful, but not complicated. Miss Manners notes that this is not a political disagreement, nor a misunderstanding, nor a private thought that was not intended for public consumption, nor a joke gone wrong.

One could ignore the current political situation and the history of racial animosity in America without affecting the underlying facts: your uncle chose, without provocation, to demean your boyfriend in a quasi-public forum where insults were seen, as expected, by yourself. , your boyfriend, and most of your friends and family.

Your boyfriend’s instinct not to escalate had the desired effect of keeping the peace. If that remains the goal, Miss Manners recommends to you and him, who makes the joint decision, the following solution:

You will tell your uncle that the insulting messages unfortunately happened; that you and your fiancé found them extremely hurtful, but that you both chose – and still choose – never to speak about them again; that you are grateful for his support and happy that he has moved on; and that although you would be happy to have him at your wedding, you must decline his offer to act in your father’s place.