DEAR ERIC: Over the past 30 years, I have been very generous to a sibling who was never in very good financial health.

I felt a certain contempt from her and her family towards my generosity. I get a thank you or acknowledgment maybe half the time.

She is very angry and regularly snaps at me about things that happened 20 or 30 years ago, making sarcastic comments about stupid little things I did that made her angry.

After many years of letting it go, I find myself very angry at his ingratitude and attitude towards me. I always felt sorry for her and wanted to make her life better, but maybe by doing that I made her feel bad about herself.

We haven’t spoken in almost a year. I realize that the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have significantly reduced the amount of money I give him.

But I hate feeling anger and resentment towards her, and I wish I could find a way to move on and let go of all these negative emotions. I don’t even really know if she’s aware that I’m upset.

– Funding family

DEAR FAMILY: Money talks, but it mumbles a lot, so we need to be especially clear in our communications about it. Reducing your generosity is good, but it won’t get to the root of the problem and risks being misinterpreted.

It will help you a lot if the two of you can have a conversation focused on how you feel about each other and your relationship. You need a place to process your resentment and she probably does too.

Before contacting her, think about what you really want. It can be as simple as a thank you. But I suspect it’s more complicated than that. Is there a part of you that is hurt by his response or sarcastic comments? Do you feel frustrated because the money you donated did not end the evil? Ask yourself what would make you feel valued in this relationship.

You write that she may not even know you are upset; it’s painful to read because it suggests that she doesn’t give you the same thought and care that you give her.

Sort through your feelings and determine what your solo responsibility is and what you can bring to your conversation with her.

(Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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