My 4 year old son dreads swimming lessons. Some nights, well after his bedtime, he calls me into his room and asks me, in a low voice, if he has to go to swimming class tomorrow.

This breaks my heart. Swimming is an important safety skill, but lessons cause him anxiety. It made me wonder: If he wants to stop, should I let him?

It can be difficult for parents to know when a child is ready to stop participating in an extracurricular activity. Classes and sports can encourage courage and foster belonging. But for some children, it can also be a stressful obligation.

Vanessa Lapointechild psychologist and parenting coach, understands this dilemma. In these situations, the best thing to do is to avoid rushing to fix the problem. Instead, “be curious, listen, and give the child the experience of being heard.”

Here’s how to have tough conversations with your kids about quitting smoking. Apply these tips to everything from piano lessons to summer camp.

Examine why you care so much. The problem may be with you.

When your child says he’s ready to put his clarinet back in its case – and leave it there – the first thing to do is examine himself.

If your child wanting to quit smoking sparks a strong reaction in you, unpack that. “Quite often, our intentions are clouded by our own desires,” says Lapointe.. Are you trying to impose your unrealized dream of performing in the school play on your child? Or maybe your family couldn’t play team sports when you were growing up, so you’re determined for your child to have a different experience.

“If your intention is anything other than ‘I want to give my child a cool experience and see how they like it,’ you’re probably there for the wrong reasons,” Lapointe says.

Ask your child what is going on. You might be surprised by what you learn.

“See what they will say,” says Krystal Lewischild psychologist and clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health.

Maybe they just had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. “The golden rule is that you never give up on a bad day,” explains Lapointe. So if you learn that your child took a smaller role than he wanted in the big school play, let his big emotions settle in a bit before making a decision.

If it’s not just a loss on a bad day, dig a little deeper, Lewis says. Ask them: what do you like about this activity? What don’t you like?

Sometimes the problem turns out to be simple. They don’t like football because it’s the end of a long school day and they get hungry at practice, Lewis said. So maybe packing a few protein-rich snacks could make a difference.

Even if the problem turns out to be more complex (for example, if they don’t feel excited or passionate about art classes), you now have valuable information to inform your troubleshooting.

Pay attention to what your child complains about. And observe their behavior.

The younger the child, the less likely they are to verbally express their emotions or experiences, Lewis says. So you may need other clues to understand what your child is feeling.

Pay attention to your child when he complains, Lewis says. Maybe they are sensitive to a coach’s raised voice. Or they are too shy to talk to other children. These are problems you can help solve. Talk to the coach. Encourage a friend to join the team.

If you’re present at your child’s practices or lessons, you may be able to pick up on some of the problems, Lewis says. If they stray, they may be exhausted and need more unstructured play time. If they seem bored, it’s possible that this activity just isn’t for them.

Consider your child’s temperament. Is it a dandelion or an orchid?

Every child has a different tolerance for discomfort, and this should be taken into consideration when making the decision to quit smoking.

Assess their willingness to thrive in a challenging environment. Is it a dandelion or an orchid? This framework was developed by Thomas Boyce, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, to help identify a child’s temperament.

Dandelions are hardy and resilient. “You can plant it in a crack in the cement and forget to water it. And not only will the dandelion survive, but it will probably thrive,” says Lapointe.

Orchids are sensitive. “They require just the right amount of water, humidity and temperature. If you can’t get it right, they won’t adapt.

One is not better than the other, they are just different. See which flower your child leans towards. If your child is more of a dandelion, he or she may be fine in a less-than-perfect environment, even if he or she isn’t thrilled about it. If it’s more of an orchid and you see it’s really struggling, it may need a different environment.

Find a creative compromise. “Stop” or “hold on” are not the only two options.

“What is the gray area? What can we change? Lewis said. If your child is bored, could you take a break or reduce the time they spend on the activity? If your child is embarrassed when batting, could you practice batting at home?

Then talk with your child about what it means to be committed. Maybe you say, ‘Well, since we signed up, we’ll go, but you can sit on the sidelines and watch,'” Lewis says. “This way you teach the child to honor a commitment without forcing them to do something really uncomfortable.”

As for my son and his fear of swimming lessons, my husband and I investigated. We asked him what was going on. Turns out he was afraid to put his head underwater! So we talked to the coach and they agreed that he didn’t need to break down during class.

Of course, you have to get your head wet to swim. My son finally overcame his fear months later, while we were playing in the pool with his cousins.

Now he regularly gets soaked during swimming lessons. He literally takes his hand, puts it on the back of his head and pushes himself under the water. And he loves being in the water. Turns out all he needed was a little time.

Although we ended up needing to take a break from swimming for a while, I think I would have been okay with that too. Lapointe says we, as parents, shouldn’t put too much pressure on ourselves in situations like these. “Overall, it’s not really a big deal.”

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Becky Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823or send us an email to [email protected].

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