• Fortesa Latifi returned to work just a week after giving birth and felt extremely guilty.
• Many new mothers return to work early, searching for an identity beyond motherhood.
• The important thing is to be able to have a choice, something many mothers in the United States do not have, Latifi writes.

After only a week of motherhood, I committed a cardinal sin: I started working.

I attended a meeting and pretended I wasn’t in terrible pain while trying to stand up after a emergency cesarean section. To be fair, the meeting was important – but not that important.

As I settled into the rhythms of new motherhood after giving birth to my first child in mid-May, I kept finding myself returned to work. People told me to rest and I did, but I also couldn’t help but spend a few hours here and there while my baby took a nap in a Moby sling on my chest or my husband, mother or mother-in-law took care of her.

Working—even from my couch in Los Angeles, in milk-stained clothes, with a napping newborn on my chest—made me feel like a person again in those conditions. new busy days of motherhood. It’s almost inevitable to feel lost in the demands of caring for another human being, and I quickly realized that I felt more like myself and more capable of being a good mother when I could to work.

I didn’t want to take advantage of every minute of “off”

As an entrepreneur and independent writer, my maternity leave was not an obvious choice.

I didn’t even ask for anything because legally, no one was obligated to give me anything (even though a publication I’m a contractor for gave me 50% of my usual fee for 3 months off). But a lot of my income comes from self-employment – ​​and there was no maternity leave for that.

I think that’s part of why I wanted to go back to work soon. But the the guilt I felt for even to want being a person outside of my maternal duties was intense. Shouldn’t I want to make the most of every moment of maternity leave? What was wrong with me that I didn’t do it?

Bored, guilty and eager to get back to work

Kyleigh Wegener, a 27-year-old who works in communications in Kalamazoo, Michigan, became bored on maternity leave, three weeks into the planned six weeks after having her first child.

“I’ve always been very career-focused,” Wegener said. “It felt like I had to slow down my life. I know that sounds terrible. I know it’s important to be a mom, but I felt like it wasn’t enough.”

She also felt the guilt I feel (even as I write this). Talking to other moms, she felt like she didn’t fit in.

“It’s like being a mom is what they believe they were put on this planet to do,” she said. “I haven’t always felt that way. I love being a mom. I love my daughters…but I just feel like I have a purpose beyond being someone’s mom.” She hopes she teaches her daughters that they can have a full life beyond motherhood also, if they wish.

Emily Kaplan, 35, who works in public relations in Silver Spring, Maryland, was excited about the prospect of six months of maternity leave (which is much longer than the an average of 10 weeks, paid and unpaid, taken by American women) with her first child. But by month four, she found herself counting the days until she returned to work.

“I missed using the part of my brain that I had studied and worked so hard to develop, interacting with adults, and simply putting on “real clothes” and makeup for the day to have meetings and conversations,” Kaplan said.

Allison Venditti, the founder of Moms at workan organization for working mothers, said it’s not uncommon to leave maternity leave early.

“Work is a familiar space – and for many women who have worked hard and studied hard, they don’t want to not work. Work can give you meaning, rewards and also provide a lot of structure that many people find really important in their time,” she said.

Drowned in a new type of work

The reality of maternity leave is that it’s not a break at all – it’s just a different type of job. In my experience, it’s much more demanding than any other job I’ve ever had.

I can’t count the number of times someone has asked me how my labor was after giving birth and my response is that I’m drowning. But the truth is, I think I would feel more like I was drowning without the support of work and an identity outside of motherhood.

That’s one reason Emily Scorgie, 27, a senior strategist in Dallas, Texas, couldn’t wait to return to work eight weeks after giving birth with her first child: Her co-workers talked to her like she was a person.

“It almost gave me this limit by reminding me that I have this identity outside of just being a mom“, she said. “And I think it really helped reduce the mental burden of postpartum.”

Coming back early by choice is a privilege

Remembering that I was a person — outside of motherhood, breastfeeding, and bedtime — helped me get through those first months of motherhood.

Most importantly, I have to decide to return to work early. Many women don’t have this choice; they I don’t have maternity leave or they don’t have partners with reliable income, which I’m lucky to have. I also know that having the privilege of work from home on a computer and being able to breastfeed or soothe my baby whenever I wanted gave me a dramatically different return to work experience than women who work outside the home.

“The most important thing, I think, is that people have a choice – the choice of how they approach work and family, the choice to return to work sooner, the choice to take more time off” , Venditti said.

I want American women to have better options for their postpartum choices. We deserve federally mandated maternity leave; it is truly barbaric that we are one of the six countries without guarantee paid maternity leave.

I didn’t expect how much work I would save during my postpartum days. Being able to focus on something outside of the intense physical demands of motherhood has grounded me and made me a better mother. I hope other new moms won’t be ashamed to count the days of their own maternity leave.