My research is conducted where heart chemistry meets brain chemistry. My book, Meaning of lovestudies how to obtain, cultivate and maintain long-term love that lasts. Shortly after the book’s publication, I interviewed YourTango to discuss the science of love and the relationship truths that make hearts beat and provide the basis for stronger, deeper, more powerful emotional connections.

A conversation between Sue Johnson and YourTango about the science of love and what makes couples click:

YourTango: You talk a lot about the emotional, spiritual and well-being benefits of relationships. Can we get these benefits through short-term relationships and dating, or do we have to be in a committed relationship?
Sue Johnson: You must be in a committed relationship to obtain physical or health benefits, such as an improved heart rate. If you want all the goodness of attachment, dating won’t do it. There are no free rides here! The reason I say this is because you need a real sense of connection to feel safe and connected with your partner. Because that’s what we’re talking about: obligations. We are wired to thrive in this type of relationship. A good relationship is better health insurance than a healthy diet, and it’s a better anti-aging strategy than taking vitamins.

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Our biggest misconception about love

YourTango: What do you think is our biggest misconception about love – and do you think it’s harmful or not a big deal?
Sue Johnson: I think it’s the belief that love is just a random, mysterious thing. That it’s something that happens to you and not what you do. People act like they have no control over their relationships. This is not good for us at all.

I also think we have come to view addiction as a weakness. We’ve fallen in love with independence instead of falling in love with our partners, and it’s dangerous to deprive ourselves of the connection and closeness we crave. Our inner dialogue goes like this: “If I need him to support me, that means I am weak. » We want to be strong, capable career women, and we can. This does not mean we are weak if we express a desire for a partner. It’s a strength to be able to say that, to be able to say, “I want to be in a committed relationship.”

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The power of emotional connection and intimacy

YourTango: You talk about the three places we exist in our relationships: emotions, brain, and body. Where do we tend to place our priorities…and where should we do so?
Sue Johnson: There is a misconception that romantic love is all about intimacy. To reduce relationships to this has been a very unfortunate thing. Here’s the problem: the focus should be on our emotional connection. Great intimacy can ensue, and it does! Intimacy without a strong connection is like dancing without music: it’s not very satisfying.

The essence of love is the quality of the emotional connection, and when this is strong, everything else falls into place. So to get there, you need to focus on developing that bond – without having a hot bedroom life.

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The love and allure of mystery

YourTango: We are reluctant to attach science to the concept of love because we think so”kill the mystery“Why do we want to stay in the dark?
Sue Johnson: We want excitement and assume we can only have it early in a relationship. And we pay way too much attention to the concept of novelty. We used to – as a society – hope for love. Jane Austen hoped so. But now? We all expect it and always crave that “strange, mysterious, almost forbidden thing.”

Plus, it’s just mysterious because we don’t fully understand it! But we cannot allow love to be mysterious or strange. We need to understand love, why it goes wrong, and how to fix it. We can no longer work with love like in this mysterious story. It’s not sustainable. But real, committed, long-term love is the most lasting thing. This is what keeps us going.

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Dr. Sue Johnson is the director of International Center of Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and author of several bestselling books, including Hold me tight and seven conversations for a lifetime of love.