During the first half of my marriage, I had never heard of the breadwinning spouse penalty. After our children were born, we lived in Brooklyn and my salary was three times my husband’s. When we moved to the Bay Area to find a job, we decided that my husband would become a stay-at-home dad for a while. We have experienced our share of challenges, both individually and as a couple. But it never occurred to me that couples in which the wife earns more than her husband might have many more challenges than the average married couple.

As a market study that focused on gender bias in Silicon Valley and beyond, I have surveyed and interviewed hundreds of breadwinner wives and their partners – and I can attest to the fact that the penalty is real. At the same time, I am confident that the next generation of breadwinner wives and their enlightened partners will fare better. There is much to learn from our lived experiences, our mistakes and our triumphs. But it starts with understanding – and talking about – the phenomenon.

What is a female breadwinner?

Pew defines Breadwinner Wives in heterosexual marriages as wives in marriages where they are the sole breadwinner or earn more than 60 percent of the couple’s combined income. For example, if you earn $80,000 a year and your husband earns $50,000, you earn 62% of your combined income of $130,000 and are considered a breadwinner wife. One in six heterosexual marriages (16 percent) include female breadwinners, an increase from 5 percent in 1972.

Pew also found that women surpass men when it comes to higher education. Nearly half (46%) of U.S. women ages 25 to 34 had a bachelor’s degree in 2021, compared to just over a third (36%) of men ages 25 to 34. Given this gap in college degrees, women are poised to earn more and more money than their peers, and the number of breadwinner wives will continue to rise.

It is important to note that my research (and that which I cite) refers to heterosexual marriages. Same-sex couples may face similar challenges, but this has not been adequately studied.

What is the penalty imposed on the breadwinner wife?

Research studies have shown four distinct penalties that couples where wives are breadwinners face.

1. Breadwinner wives do extra work at home.

When I started researching breadwinning wives, I came across an article that showed that in couples where wives earn more than their husbands, the wife spends an average of 13 hours of overtime per week unpaid work and childcare in relation to her husband. Researchers suggest that “a wife who earns more money performs more tasks to appease her husband’s unease.”

The suggestion here is that the husband’s ego takes a hit when the wife earns more than he does. As a result, the wife will come home from work, cook dinner, and do the dishes to make her husband feel better about himself. Give me a break. (For the record, my husband is the exclusive cook in our house.)

2. Breadwinner wives are more likely to be cheated on by their partners.

Another study found that men who were the primary or sole breadwinners were more likely to cheat on their wives than men whose wives earned a more equal share of income. However, men who were entirely dependent on their wives’ income were the most likely to cheat. On the other hand, for women, earning money reduces the incidence of infidelity. In this study, the researchers state: “I argue that by remaining faithful, earning women neutralize their gender deviance and keep potentially strained relationships intact. »

The academic literature speaks of “male overcompensation” and “compensatory acts of manhood.” In my opinion, a compensatory act of manliness should be wiping down the kitchen island, not excluding the lady from your yoga class. For the record, many of the breadwinner wives I spoke with (and even some whose marriages ended in divorce) did not believe in infidelity in their marriages.

3. Breadwinner wives are less happy.

When asked the question “How satisfied are you with your family life?” “, breadwinner mothers were 55% less likely to be very satisfied with their family life than mothers who were not the primary breadwinner, according to Research 2019. This was true even after taking into account external factors such as household financial situation and division of labor. In other words, even if we control for who does the laundry and income levels, breadwinner wives are less happy than their non-breadwinner counterparts.

4. Earning wives are more likely to divorce.

Based on the first three penalties, it’s probably not surprising to hear that in any given year, if a woman earns more than her partner, she is twice as likely to divorce only if her spouse earns more than her. And women whose husbands earn $38,000 more than their wives are the least likely to divorce.

By now you should feel like the female breadwinner penalty is real. Breadwinner wives (and their spouses) face more challenges than other couples. But even though this penalty has been felt for decades, it needs to be considered for educated millennial and Gen Z women, who are likely to earn more than their partners.

I have been incredibly happy for (almost) my entire tenure as a breadwinner wife. I am proud of my professional accomplishments and being able to support our family as a sole proprietor for over a decade. I am happy to show alternative breadwinner training (not deviant training!) to my children and their friends. I was able to travel the world, meet and work with amazing people, all while feeling supported at home.

Other breadwinner wives I interviewed also spoke about what they find empowering about their situation. “I always know what our financial situation is. I always know that I can take care of the family if something happens to my spouse,” one responded. “You can run your own life. Very independent, interesting and fulfilling. The feeling of achievement,” said another. A third put it simply: “Knowing that I can give my family everything they deserve.” »

How can we eradicate the breadwinner wife penalty?

Over the coming weeks, I will share more lessons learned from female breadwinners and their partners on some of the specific challenges and lessons learned to help women and their partners at the beginning of a relationship, or when circumstances change and they find themselves in a difficult situation. Breadwinner wives. Follow us here.

Michele Madansky is a pioneer in digital search and advertising and a sought-after media and market research consultant. She is a self-proclaimed “breadwinner wife” who is currently working on a book called “Breadwinner Wives Thrive.”