On this week’s episode of Code Switchwe spoke with a young woman who said on Election Day, “I’m disgusted by the blood I carry in my veins because I’m related to these people.” By “those people,” she was referring to those close to her who had supported a presidential candidate she found odious. She went on to say that to support said candidate, “you have to be a next level idiot or a next level evil.”

And look, the housewife clearly didn’t mince her words. But to be honest, they didn’t surprise me. Because these words reflect a sentiment I’ve heard repeated for years now, about pain and immense frustration to see people you love make decisions you hate.

So what do you do about it? This is a question that many people ask themselves, especially as the holidays approach. How should we approach the prospect of breaking bread – or not – with people whose beliefs or actions sometimes seem to irritate the very core of what we believe to be right and good?

(Editor’s note: This is an excerpt from the Code Switch document. Up all night bulletin. You can register here.)

There are many approaches, some of which we have already talked about. And I think it goes without saying that it’s okay to refuse spaces that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. (Thanksgiving is still two weeks away – plenty of time to uninvite yourself from Cousin Jan’s potluck.)

But if you TO DO If you decide to attend an event where you will be in close contact with someone with whom you deeply disagree, it is worth remembering a few things:

1. You don’t need to call someone good or bad. In his new book, Are you still talking to grandma? author Britt Barron writes: “We are always trying to create a world where there are heroes and villains, good and evil, right and wrong, and where we can be the heroes, where we can be good and righteous. People like categories, boxes and clean lines. “. But people are complicatedand it is important to recognize this. Especially if you have hope for one day convince someone to change their beliefs (or be convinced to change yours.)

2. You must neither ignore reality nor forgive it. In a conversation on the pod a few years ago, the author Ashley C. Ford rejected this false binary. She said: “I can decide how I want to evolve in reality. I can decide how I want to react to reality. But I think the most important thing is that I accept reality.” And she asked this series of questions: “What are you going to do on a daily basis as you live your life? Are you going to live in a place where you deny reality and think: I love this person, but only because I choose to forget that they did terrible things, heinous things? Or am I saying this is reality? That’s how it is and I love you. And that thing you did…I can’t forgive you and I’ll never try.

3. You don’t need to deny your humanity. In times of deep political division, pressure is often put on people – particularly marginalized people – put aside their differences in favor of a supposedly higher ideal, like “unity” or “civility”. In these moments, it is worth remembering eternal words of James Baldwin: “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and my denial of my humanity and my right to exist.” And again, if that’s the dynamic, feel free to cancel those dinner plans and spend your precious life with people who believe your life is precious.

This story was written by Leah Donnella and edited by Courtney Stein.

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