DEAR ANNIE: I would like to know your perspective on a problem I am having with my adult daughter, who lives in another state. She comes every Christmas for several days but refuses to spend the night at my house. She claims my guest room is too cluttered and noisy, or she comes up with other excuses for not staying. Instead, she rents an Airbnb for part of her stay and spends the other nights at her father’s or friends’ houses.

I told him how much it hurt me; It’s insulting and makes me feel unimportant. Her response is that she has no intention of harming me, but feels she should be able to stay wherever she prefers. What really stings is that she doesn’t seem to care how her choice affects me, focusing only on her own comfort. She seems more self-centered than ever, and I’m having a hard time with that.

What do you think about how I should handle this situation? – Injured by an adult daughter

DEAR HURT: Instead of calling her self-centered, change the narrative to salute the fact that she is open and honest with you. She doesn’t like disorder and a lot of noise. What if you suggested she declutter the guest room together and buy some sort of noise machine so she can block out the noise? Ask her about her favorite sheets and pillows to make her feel welcome and comfortable. I suspect she feels an underlying sense of judgment and criticism – you judge her and she judges you – so try to look at yourself with love and compassion.

Keep up the good work; you are closer to this freedom than you think.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].