For many of us, a snoob feels like a social alarm bell that causes a bit of panic and our brains quickly kick into high gear. However, the psychologists we interviewed say that a snoob is a natural pause in an interaction and that it’s normal to feel uncomfortable. In fact, we can learn to become more comfortable with it. Ahead, more on how to deal with snoobs:

Where does the term “snob” come from?

The term originates from Fifty words for snow podcast, where hosts Maggie Rowe and Emily Garcés explore unique words and, in one of their regular segments, discuss words that don’t exist, but should.

“Recently, my friend Eric Giancoli joined us (on the podcast) to introduce a term he created for that vulnerable and awkward gap in conversation: snoob,” Rowe writes in an article on embracing the silence to Psychology today. As Rowe explains, different personality types react differently to snobbery, but for most people, uncomfortable silences are disconcerting. We understand: these moments can seem to last forever, and we start assuming all sorts of things.

Why can’t we accept silence?

Difficulty remaining silent in a conversation is common and intuitive, says Dean McKay, a psychology professor at Fordham University and a cognitive-behavioral psychologist at Wellness Associates in White Plains, New York. During a snoob, “we pretty quickly start to have an inner dialogue where we ask ourselves: ‘Why isn’t anyone talking?’ » he said. “If you look around and everyone suddenly goes silent, you try to make an interpretation of what that means.” This is adaptive behavior: we try to cope with certain uncomfortable feelings. “From an evolutionary perspective, it’s important to understand what people’s intentions mean, and it’s more difficult if they don’t speak.

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But the conclusion that silence is “awkward” is more subjective, he says. “Some people just sit in silence with another person. You could go on a drive with someone like that, where they’re perfectly fine to sit there without conversation, and if you feel awkward about it, it’s more of a ‘you’ problem and less of a ‘them’ problem.” , he said. said.

A snoob may be harder for some

Anxious people Tendencies may find silence particularly difficult, because they may be more likely to assume that a break in conversation is negative or reflects poorly on them, McKay says.

People with anxiety often respond to silence by “reading minds,” says McKay. “Mind reading involves trying to guess what the other person is thinking to help explain why they remain silent or why they did something.”

Although this process is normal and most people engage in it from time to time, anxious people are more likely to make negative assumptions that there is something wrong with the situation or at their home. Am I boring? Did I say something offensive? Don’t they want to be here?

McKay says it can be helpful to question and challenge this trend, because our presumptions are often wrong.

“If you find yourself sitting quietly with someone and saying things to yourself like ‘he’s not happy with the conversation, he’s not happy with me, he’s bored,’ the follow-up question to ask asks, ‘What evidence do I have that any of these conclusions are reasonable?'” Mckay says.

The advantage of silence

Although discomfort may be an evolving response to silence within a group, we can learn to accept a pause in conversation and accept more regular, prolonged silence within certain close relationships. This can help us become better listeners and be less likely to say things we don’t mean.

McKay says that comfortable with silence can help us “develop that filter” to prevent us from saying things that are not helpful or even harmful.

Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic, agrees. “I think it’s extremely important to feel comfortable with silence,” she says. “It gives people time to digest and react instead of reacting.”

Additionally, if you’re talking about feelings, a pause or moment of silence can help the other person feel like you’re holding that feeling with them instead of pushing it aside. “It creates intimacy,” says Albers, noting that people who are able to remain silent are often perceived as confident and assertive.

But how can we learn to embrace snoobiness if it seems so awkward to most of us? “Asking people questions can be a way to spark and keep the conversation going, and listening well helps you become more comfortable with silence,” says Albers.