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Marriage offers a number of important protections. Research shows that married people can maintain their emotional and physical health compared to those who are married. divorce (Amato, 2000; Hughes and Waite, 2009; Scott et al., 2013). A challenge in contemporary Western culture is that people stay married once they have made a lifelong commitment. Divorce statistics in the United States show that approximately 43% of first marriages end in divorce (Bieber, 2024). Rates increase for second (60%) and third (73%) marriages (Bieber, 2024).

Most premarital and marriage programs focus on communication with each other. For example, the Relationship Prevention and Enhancement Program (Markman et al., 2010) teaches the couple how to respectfully communicate and resolve conflicts with each other while mutually engaging in the relationship. In an analysis of 13 premarital programs, 12 of them emphasized communication training, with a particular emphasis on conflict management during the transition to marriage (Carroll & Doherty, 2003). Premarital plans can vary greatly. For example, Van Acker (2003) suggests that the couple focuses on the issue of romance as a kind of glue that should keep the couple willingly and joyfully bonded to each other. Moodi et al. (2013), in their premarital program, emphasize reproductive health, including family planning and knowledge of genetic diseases.

What is missing?

While communicating accurately and respectfully is essential to a healthy marriage, it is also important to learn to forgive each other, given that everyone is imperfect and will let their spouse down on occasion. Learning to forgive is preparation for facing the injustices, big or small, that will inevitably affect marriages. Forgiveness has been shown to reduce resentments that can escalate and exacerbate conflict (Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). This learning of forgiveness should not be imposed on any person, but rather should be a free will choice to examine. pardon as a possibility and to practice it when the person is ready. I would recommend the four approaches to forgiveness outlined below to those preparing for marriage.

1. Examine the injustices of the family of origin and others

We tend to learn many things from our family of origin, including some maladaptive patterns that are routinely modeled by parents and siblings. It is unfortunate that many people enter into marriage without being aware of these potentially hurtful patterns that are now being brought into the new relationship. For example, suppose a son continually sees his father verbally disrespecting his wife. The son may now criticize his new wife for the smallest thing, such as burning the toast, or scold his marital partner for not realizing that the vitamins have run out in the jar. The son reproduces with his own wife the verbal patterns learned from his father. At the same time, the father’s insults may have frequently been directed at the son, who can now bring his anger towards his father in marriage. It is recommended that spouses carefully consider the types of injustices that occurred in the family of origin and be aware that later resentments may be introduced into their marriage. The scrutiny must extend beyond the family of origin to anyone, such as a student who bullied or a coach who was harsh, who left deep anger in the heart. As they get to know their spouse more deeply by examining these wounds, it can help them support each other when they fail to act fairly and respectfully within their own relationship.

2. Forgive people in the family of origin and beyond

Then, having already identified those from the past who hurt them, each member of the couple should consider forgiving them for the emotional wounds that the person still carries in their heart. As the philosopher Govier (2002) points out, we can forgive people for hurting us directly (primary forgiveness) and those who hurt our loved ones rather than us directly (secondary forgiveness), as in the case of the son who witnessed the disrespectful communication from the father. with the son’s mother. Primary and secondary forgiveness should mitigate the manifestation of injustices in the new marriage that were directly experienced or observed in the new marriage. childhood. Either form of forgiveness should ease the anger that might wash over the new marriage.

An important starting point is to make sure both spouses understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. The short answer is that to forgive is to be good to those who are not good to the one who forgives, without excusing injustice. Forgiving is not the same as reconciling, as reconciliation involves mutual trust, while forgiveness can be a unilateral process carried out by a single person motivated to offer mercy to those who behave unjustly. Furthermore, by forgiving, a person does not abandon justice but can instead request a change in their unjust behavior. Everyone can support the other on this journey of forgiveness. An important issue here is that each spouse will be able to examine the path of forgiveness and develop more deeply as a forgiver (see, e.g., Enright, 2012).

3. Discuss the commitment to forgiving each other

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With the knowledge of forgiveness and its practice now well established by both peoples, they can engage in a forgiving marriage, in which forgiveness, while fair and respectful, is at the center of the relationship. In other words, each person can develop the strong will to forgive and help the other in their journey towards forgiveness.

4. Pass on the knowledge of forgiveness to children

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An important addition to the forgiving marriage is the commitment to introduce forgiveness to any children who may be born of the marriage. This is not about pressuring children to forgive, but about allowing them to see and understand forgiveness through stories and family discussions. Let children be drawn to the idea of ​​forgiveness rather than seeing it as a dark obligation. In this way, all members of the family will have the opportunity to try forgiveness, to integrate it into their identifypractice it when appropriate and be a beacon of good to others.

In summary

Marriage preparation isn’t just about learning how to communicate effectively with each other or even how to resolve current issues that will invariably arise in any marriage. Rather, it is recommended that such preparation include forgiveness of family members of origin, if any, and other hurtful people from the past so that resentments can be faced and eliminated in the upcoming marriage. Ultimately, including children as students of forgiveness will help everyone create and foster, over time, a forgiving family community.