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    • Ask Eric: My Marriage Could End Because of How I Treated My Husband After an Accident
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    Ask Eric: My Marriage Could End Because of How I Treated My Husband After an Accident

    Pabio Posted on

    Dear Eric: Almost 10 years ago, my husband was in a car accident that changed his life. This left him with neurological problems, some of which still persist today. He was unable to convey to me the depth of his emotional pain and frustrations from the neurological trauma, and I, rather than empathizing, became a stubborn, frustrated harpy, bombarding him with questions like why he didn’t hadn’t emptied the dishwasher and why he was always sleeping when I got home from work.

    Through several honest, heart-to-heart discussions over the past three years, my husband revealed his (deserved) hurt and disappointment with how I treated him in the year following the accident . He said he wasn’t sure he would ever forgive me.

    I apologized to him repeatedly for my atrocious behavior and had to dig deep to face my own insecurities and inner demons. Although he acknowledges that I am trying to be a better person, he said that “people don’t change” and he is wary that I will be nicer to him in the future.

    My husband asked that while we worked things out, we continued our daily lives of work, family, and simple pleasures, and that we both tried not to make things awkward between us. He said he wasn’t sure he loved me, but he will always have love for me. I feel hopeless for him to stay in our marriage.

    He refuses to seek advice but I consider going myself. Could you please give another perspective on this situation? – At the crossroads

    Dear Carrefour: Counseling yourself is the right next step. It will be helpful to talk with someone outside of your marriage about the despair you feel as well as the guilt you have expressed about your past behavior.

    A therapist can also help you forgive yourself for the unintentional hurt, which is just as important as forgiving your husband. People change, but the past does not. Changing our relationship to the past, however, is a powerful tool on the path to healing.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think your husband’s plan is the best solution. He deals with the trauma of the accident as well as the trauma of feeling neglected by a loved one. It’s a lot to handle and he should have support. Additionally, whatever the future of your marriage, you will need to be able to communicate with each other. It doesn’t seem like this is entirely possible at the moment. If he is not willing to consult with you, see if he would consider talking to someone alone.

    Dear Eric: My girlfriend and I have been together for a while. She has a wide circle of friends, some of the closest of whom we see regularly, and I always have fun. But several times a year we are invited to big parties and I am always uncomfortable there. I just don’t find them conducive to easy conversation, so I mostly keep to myself, sometimes making a discreet outing and walking around the neighborhood. I recently confessed to my girlfriend and she seemed very disappointed. How should I handle this? – Party animal

    Dear Party: Your girlfriend may be disappointed that you don’t like the things she likes, but hopefully she’ll also realize that you made the healthy choice to talk about your needs instead of wallowing in discomfort. Even though she imagines you joining her large circle of friends, she also knows you and, presumably, understands that you are more introverted.

    Assure him that you are perfectly happy to attend certain meetings. If there are meetings she would rather not attend alone, talk about them in advance and see if you can compromise. Maybe you could chat for half an hour, then kiss her and tell her you’ll see her at home. Knowing what the plan is ahead of time will help you both manage expectations.

    Dear Eric: I really appreciate your advice column in the newspaper. THANKS. I’m writing to comment on common terms that people, including you, use when someone feels hurt by something someone says or does.

    As a psychotherapist, my view is that it is codependent to believe that someone “hurt you.” I think it’s more accurate and less judgmental to respond with “I felt hurt by what you said/did.” Part of the world of therapy is learning to communicate with “I” statements versus “you” statements. “I” statements are generally better received than “you” statements and tend to make the recipient feel less criticized and therefore less defensive in response. – Declarations I

    Dear I Statements: Thank you very much for reporting this. This is so important and yet sometimes I forget and refer to “you” statements. I really appreciate the reminder.

    Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

    Pabio
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