Dear Richard,

My father is 88 years old, he is a widower, alone, physically infirm, in constant pain and in remission from cancerthat he hopes to return. He asked my sister and I if we would support him in his decision to end his life, if the help to die the bill becomes law and his cancer returns and labels him “terminally ill”. We are desperately distressed by this situation.

This isn’t one of those cases where unscrupulous elderly people nudge parents towards fatal decisions to get their hands on an inheritance; we have no religious objections or doubts about his mental capacity. Rather, we think it reveals something deficient in his relationship with us.

We see him two or three times a week, and during those times we see him light up. We run around the house, rub ointment on his back and legs. He seems to respond with warmth and love. It’s a blessing for us because we didn’t see much of him when we were younger after a difficult time divorce at the instigation of our mother. We feel – and we realize that there is a selfishness there – that it is us that he is preparing to leave.

If the law changes, we will never go against his wishes – but the harm will be harsh. Is it worth trying to talk to him about it?

— G, by email

Dear G,

You just need to stand at the right end of the telescope on this. Currently, you see things largely from your own perspective: your impending doom and the role you are being asked to play in it.

But it’s your father’s point of view that must take precedence. It is he who suffers; it is he who is forced to face the reality of his imminent demise. It therefore follows that it is he who should take the lead.

I think you misinterpreted things, G, when you said that his wish to have a assisted death (if and when the law is passed) reveals something “painfully deficient” in your relationship with him. I don’t believe it does anything like that. Many people agree with the principle of medical assistance in dying and would one day choose it themselves. This does not mean that they have poor or inadequate relationships with their families. Far from it.

Your father is in constant pain and believes his cancer will return. He asks for your support to help him avoid a horrible death. For me, it’s proof that he trusts you, that he depends on you and that he loves you. This is hardly a broken relationship.

I definitely think you should have a conversation with him – probably several – about this. But let yourself be guided by him. Be sensitive to their wishes. And before you see him or talk to him next time, G, make sure you banish from your mind any thoughts that his wishes are having a negative impact on you. Believe me, this is not the case.

You can find more tips from Richard Madeley here or submit your own dilemma below.