Dear Eric: Almost 10 years ago, my husband was in a car accident that changed his life. This left him with neurological problems, some of which still persist today. He was unable to convey to me the depth of his emotional pain and frustrations from the neurological trauma, and I, rather than empathizing, became a stubborn, frustrated harpy, bombarding him with questions like why he didn’t hadn’t emptied the dishwasher and why he was always sleeping when I got home from work.

Through several honest, heart-to-heart discussions over the past three years, my husband revealed his (deserved) hurt and disappointment with how I treated him in the year following the accident . He said he wasn’t sure he would ever forgive me.

I apologized to him repeatedly for my atrocious behavior and had to dig deep to face my own insecurities and inner demons. Although he acknowledges that I am trying to be a better person, he said that “people don’t change” and he is wary that I will be nicer to him in the future.

My husband asked that while we worked things out, we continued our daily lives of work, family, and simple pleasures, and that we both tried not to make things awkward between us. He said he wasn’t sure he loved me, but he will always have love for me. I feel hopeless for him to stay in our marriage. He refuses to seek advice but I consider going myself. Could you please give another perspective on this situation?

– At the crossroads

Dear Carrefour: Counseling yourself is the right next step. It will be helpful to talk with someone outside of your marriage about the despair you feel as well as the guilt you have expressed about your past behavior.

A therapist can also help you forgive yourself for the unintentional hurt, which is just as important as forgiving your husband. People change, but the past does not. Changing our relationship to the past, however, is a powerful tool on the path to healing.

Unfortunately, I don’t think your husband’s plan is the best solution. He deals with the trauma of the accident as well as the trauma of feeling neglected by a loved one. It’s a lot to handle and he should have support. Additionally, whatever the future of your marriage, you will need to be able to communicate with each other. This doesn’t seem to be entirely possible at the moment. If he is not willing to consult with you, see if he would consider talking to someone alone.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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