Idealism is the ancestor of shame.

On the one hand, it helps us cultivate a better world; but, on the other hand, it constitutes the basis of a myriad of emotional illnesses.

Perfectionists tend to have difficulty forgiving themselves, having a narrow range of acceptable behaviors. When you consider the circumstances, each one seems like an excuse rather than a justification. Thus, they remain blind to the purpose and benefits of pardon.

In cognitive behavioral therapyWe view our patients’ emotional problems through the lens of what are called cognitive distortions, thought patterns that distort the way we view ourselves and others. One of these is personalization distortion, in which the individual takes too much responsibility for certain outcomes. Sometimes they blame their decisions, such as when coaches take full responsibility for their teams’ losses, and, sometimes, they blame their essence, believing that an innate flaw, such as being stupid or ugly, is the sole reason for certain chess. Taking responsibility is good; not recognizing the influence of circumstances is not.

THE fundamental attribution error is a description of a cognitive process by which we maintain a positive attitude self-image. We may blame personal loss or rejection on external factors, such as a heavy workload or high quality. competitionwhile attributing the failures of others to their personal flaws. Perfectionists, however, tend to reverse this process, excusing others while berating themselves, at least sometimes. But, often, it is a responsibility without progress because they misunderstand the value of self-centered forgiveness, wrongly perceiving it as a general weakness.

Thus, perfectionists tip over. Sometimes they shame themselves to avoid further censure, to show the offended individual that he does not deserve more. punishment. In other cases, they retreat, denying any wrongdoing. The relationship with shame is associated with their relationship with forgiveness. People who can forgive themselves don’t run away from shame. So what happens when we fear shame? We tend to read minds and catastrophizebelieving that no one loves us and that our loved ones may abandon us. We tend to personalize, as noted above, believing that we are inherently evil. And we tend to think in black and white, believing that we can’t be good if we’ve done the wrong thing.

Shame, which in its extreme form involves the belief that we are fundamentally bad, is in itself quite useless. Either you view your fundamental wickedness as insurmountable, or something close to it. Yet forgiveness, when accompanied by shame, involves adaptation and growth. Perfectionists, terrified of disappointing others, often fail to consider how forgiving themselves actually helps make them better people, which improves their relationships. Self-oriented forgiveness is as much about others as it is about us. Some mistakenly view the concept as self-indulgent and intended for those who do not care about others. In a black and white world, the good guys punish themselves while the bad guys make excuses. But forgiveness is not about excuses; This does not mean that what we did was morally justifiable, only that it was understandable in specific circumstances (which means that many of us would have reacted the same way), even if it was bad. Rather than perceiving the world as a duality, we can conclude that an unethical choice, while understandable, does not define us; chances are we are neither good nor bad, just decent.

Therefore, when we forgive ourselves, after enough introspection and punishment, we increase the likelihood of making better choices. In some sense, we forgive ourselves in part for the sake of others in order to function better in the larger community. Shame, on the other hand, is itself a form of magical thinking. This betrays the belief that when it’s extreme, enough of it will automatically make us better people, when instead it only eats away at us more. The misconception about forgiveness is that it breeds interpersonal anarchy. Yet in reality, just as we can be grateful for the forgiveness of others, we can do the same for ourselves. We can say to ourselves, “Because I forgive myself, I will now try harder not to do this again.” »

Deep down, we need shame to hold us accountable, but we also need forgiveness to give us the space to grow. Without any intervention, whether external or internal, shame blocks out the sun, blocking vital nutrients. However, once absorbed, they provide us with the motivation to be better, the belief that we can be better, and the confidence that others can be just as caring and forgiving towards us.

Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams notes that shame becomes adaptive “by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and arousal and diffusing potentially threatening social behaviors.” This helps fight against self-centeredness and immorality. But this can only be done in small doses. Forgiveness is the control of one’s potentially unbridled power.

The perfectionist, you, must always remember: absolute perfectionism is the belief that we must be perfect everywhere, all the time and to everyone; relative perfectionism indicates a desire to progress and better adapt to your environment, becoming the perfect “solution” over time, or at least trying to. The first solution is impossible; the latter constitutes a series of laudable objectives.