Dear Abby: My son’s father, “Tony,” and I dated for two years before our son was born. We separated seven years ago, and it’s been on and off most of the time since. Last year we got closer again and I asked him what he wanted. Tony said he doesn’t want a romantic relationship with anyone right now because he’s working on his anger issues. He’s a former combat Marine, and he’s had these issues for years.

I’ve been honest about wanting a relationship when he’s ready, but I’m really confused by the mixed messages he’s sending me. I asked if it was possible to set boundaries that we both agree on, but Tony says he doesn’t need to and that I should do what I think is right for me. It makes me feel like I would be used if the situation became intimate.

I drew the line at no sex unless we were in a relationship. Tony treats me like a friend and sometimes wants to hug or kiss me. I think because we don’t currently want the same relationship, I should move on. What is your advice?

—Waiting in Ohio

Dear On Hold: I’m sorry you didn’t mention how Tony’s anger issues manifest. If they are so serious that he acts out, he needs professional help. You have wisely put off having (more) sex with him without any sort of commitment, which he is not willing to make.

From what you wrote, your son’s father is only interested in a friendly relationship with you so he can have one with his son. As much as I admire that, I don’t think you should plan a future with him, otherwise you might end up waiting forever.

Dear Abby: My partner and I have been married for 31 years. However, we have a strained relationship with our daughter “Willa”. Even though we didn’t like her pot-smoking boyfriend who had never worked for four years, we tried to accept him. We even paid for a family vacation and included it.

I admit we were hard on Willa growing up, but we always said she could live at home and still go to school. She is a hard worker and we told her how proud we were of her accomplishments. She goes to school, works two jobs and has never needed us.

We only see our daughter on special occasions. We went to family therapy to improve our relationship, but she stopped going when the boyfriend came into the picture. My question is: How can I have a good relationship with my daughter?

— I miss New Mexico

Dear Missing It: You created a daughter who was self-sufficient, hard-working, and independent, and who probably became estranged from you because you were so “harsh” to her while she was growing up. I don’t know whether to congratulate you or sympathize with you, but when it comes to the close relationship with your daughter, that ship may have sailed – unless you can convince Willa to return to family therapy with you .

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or POBox 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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