• When I got married, changing my last name to my husband’s seemed like too much work.

• Three years later, I still haven’t changed my name and I realize I don’t want to.

• The tradition seems outdated and I don’t want to erase who I am.

Before our wedding, my husband asked me if I would change my last name to his, and I said I would. I wasn’t lying. I had every intention of doing it.

But before I walked down the aisle, I started thinking about the hassles of going to the Social Security office, changing my name at the bank, and updating my ID on each card credit. It seemed like a lot of work that I didn’t want to do, especially after planning a wedding.

At my bachelorette lunch, I talked with my closest girlfriends – all of whom were married – about their decision to change their name. All but one had not thought about their change of namesaying it was something they were looking forward to or hadn’t questioned.

I felt like an outlier and I’m still learning to accept that.

Changing my name for my husband seems old-fashioned to me

After the wedding, I just treated my name change as another thing to do on my list and kept putting it off. But as time went on, I started to wonder why I had to change my name in the first place.

Growing up, I never fully understood the tradition of changing one’s name to that of one’s husband. In my gut, it seemed more quaint than romantic.

I decided to take my husband’s opinion into account and ask him what he thought about me not changing my name yet. I had no idea until I asked him he was wondering why I hadn’t done it. When I asked him what he thought of tradition to growhe explained that it was something he had always imagined his wife doing. He liked the idea of ​​his wife taking his last name.

The whole conversation made me feel like I was disappointing him by dragging my feet, which prompted me to just change my name.

I was getting more and more annoyed with the idea of ​​changing my name

Most people thought I had already changed my last name. When they realized that wasn’t the case, they wanted to know why. Their questions made me uncomfortable.

While most women didn’t seem to question the tradition, others felt free to question my decision. One person even openly stated that they could see how much easier it would be for me not to change my name “if something were to happen.” I didn’t like the idea that my marriage was seen as temporary or just because I hadn’t changed my last name.

The more I thought about how I felt, the more I began to view adopting my husband’s name as suppression. my identity beyond my marriage. I thought taking my husband’s name would undo the accomplishments I had made independently. Since I have been a teacher, my students have called me by my last name, and as a writer I have been published under that name.

Becoming someone else on paper was like having to become someone else entirely. I also felt like I had to forget who I was before I was someone’s wife.

Once I considered my feelings without taking into account that of others, I maintained my choice.

Changing my name just for other people doesn’t feel right

I considered surprising him by changing his name even though I feel terribly in love and want make my husband happy. But the main problem is that he would know that it was something I did for him and not something I really wanted to do.

Although I know he would prefer if I just changed my name, I think my independence and strong will are qualities he finds attractive. Changing my name would not represent my own values ​​and, therefore, would not yield the romantic outcome I have sometimes imagined.

The pressure and judgment I feel from others reinforces that this should be my decision. Appeasing others is not a good enough reason to do something I’m not even sure I believe in.

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