December 2-8 is National Bereavement Awareness Week. This year’s theme is “Shine a Light” which aims to shine a light on the exceptional people, places and projects that support and provide services to those who are grieving. Here, Nick Moorhouse from Hospice Isle of Man talks about his new group ‘Social Gents’ which supports all bereaved men in the community.

It was recognized that there was a gap in the provision of support to men who had lost a loved one through Isle of Man Hospice. Although as an organization we provide bereavement support to all family members and loved ones of patients, it is not an activity that is so widely adopted by men.

It was felt that a men-only bereavement group would be beneficial, and I was delighted to be asked to lead it. When we all started chatting we realized that bereavement is a much larger issue affecting men across the island and that ‘Social Gents’ was born. We do not call ourselves a “palliative care only” group.

The main aim is to catch bereaved men who no longer have traditional support and feel they don’t have a support network like others may have. As a grieving man myself, I struggle to talk about personal loss and find a safe space to do so. Our goal is to provide that safe space.

Societal expectations and traditional gender roles can have a significant impact on the male grieving process. Rightly or wrongly, we feel the need to appear strong, even in the face of significant loss. This can increase feelings of loneliness and isolation, which can be deafening in a quiet, empty house. Our goal is to be a friendly ear in a safe space to visit regularly, warm up, and complain about things.

There is also often a sudden realization that the support they were used to may have disappeared and that most things in their daily lives will change. The challenge then becomes being able to put all the possible pieces together to create something as close to the “whole” as you remember. It’s great to be able to be a sounding board for new challenges that arise in their lives and to discuss ways to be a happier, healthier person.

I think as a society we are doing more to tackle the stigma around men’s mental health and vulnerability, but there is still a lot of work to do. Traditionally, men were discouraged from expressing vulnerability and not given space to openly share their feelings. As a result, it is more difficult for us to do this in open forums. Being a male-only group goes some way towards creating a more comfortable environment.

While I can’t divulge exactly what was discussed, I can assure you that the conversation was full of wit and quite a few “bigger fish” stories. We often look to go out to lunch and invite speakers or just chat about current events. There is only one rule regarding these discussions, there must be mutual respect. Think of us all as future friends at the pub, joking around a bit and not catching up on anything out of the ordinary. We recently attended a lunch in Milntown and were treated to a fascinating view and discussion about vintage vehicles.

When you come to Social Gents, you belong to something. As a member, you will always be listened to, respected and never judged. You can say how you feel and explore all avenues of self-healing with the group. Knowing that other people are going through the same thing as you and that the problems (mental or practical) you are facing are normal can be extremely reassuring. In just a few weeks I have noticed the “weight” lifted off many shoulders and seeing how the group brings a little joy and fun to an otherwise complicated chapter of life is definitely worth it.

All grieving men who are looking for a safe space to laugh and/or be vulnerable with like-minded men are invited to join “Social Gents”. Here, we tell stories and drink beers. It takes place every Friday morning in our premises from 9:30 a.m. to approximately 3:00 p.m. noon. We operate as a walk-in service and all bereaved men are welcome.

As part of National Bereavement Awareness Week, Hospice Isle of Man has teamed up with Cruse Bereavement Support Isle of Man to ‘shine a light’ on bereavement and the support services available to the Manx community. They will be hosting a “Grief Café” on Thursday December 5 from 12pm to 4pm at the Santander Work Café. The café will offer the public the opportunity to come and find out more about the two charities and there will also be information about volunteering opportunities at Hospice Isle of Man.