DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my wife and I have hosted a large, somewhat elaborate holiday open house, with lots of home-cooked food, champagne, activities and accommodations for the children. We have often hosted more than 50 people. It’s expensive and requires a lot of work, but we like the result. We view this as a gift to our friends, as well as a way to maintain friendships with people we may not have the opportunity to visit during the year. We are truly happy to welcome you and consider it a privilege.

We don’t expect people to return favors or gifts, although we do accept contributions in the form of champagne or any other favorite drink (a host can’t do everything, nor is it isn’t it?). It really is a case of everyone having a good time and we love making that happen.

My complaint is not about people not responding. Let’s be real: this ship sailed a long time ago. Even though many people didn’t respond, we’ve done a good job over the years of managing our expectations so that we don’t run out of food or end up with gigantic portions of leftovers. (If people don’t respond and don’t participate for several years, we simply remove them from the invite list without hard feelings.)

Instead, my problem is with people who respond but say things like, “Oh, it’s such a busy time for us and we have so much to do with blah, blah, blah and we’ll probably come back from I’m went out of town that day and I just don’t know how to get there, but we’ll try to come if we can make it.

I find this downright insulting. My wife and I are perfectly aware that the holidays are a busy time, especially for large families and for people in certain professions. But I don’t understand why people react as if we’ve now added one more unbearable chore to their already overloaded holiday to-do list, or that they’ll be doing us a favor by taking on this extra burden.

We understand: the holidays are busy and you can’t make it! Come, don’t come, either way, it’s fine with us, and we still love you. But please don’t act like we’re forcing you to take on an unbearable obligation.

GENTLE READER: This ship that sailed seems to have been part of a whole courtesy fleet at first. You and your wife are to be commended for your ability to plan a big party without knowing how many people will attend.

Everyone else Miss Manners has heard of considers this a logistical nightmare; this is why etiquette demands that prompt and definitive answers be given. That, and because it is insulting to ignore a hospitable offer.

But you are remarkably tolerant – or perhaps just realistic about the state of morals today. You don’t expect your invitations to be recognized. You don’t expect your guests to reciprocate your hospitality. You only object to vague answers.

In reality, all these failures have the same cause: a lack of respect towards the host. But dithering is the easiest to deal with: Just cut it out with holiday wishes and a “We hope you can make it” or, if you’re really annoyed, “Sorry, you can’t make it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to his email, [email protected]; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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