When someone dies, their loved ones not only experience a personal loss, but they may also find themselves isolated in grief.

Although many people want to avoid thinking about death, Lynette Jordan, a grief counselor and licensed social worker at Cedar Valley Hospice, shared tips on how to better support the grieving people in our lives during a recent episode of Let’s talk about Iowa.

Offer specific help

Relieve the person overwhelmed by the loss by taking action yourself.

“They say things like, ‘Call me if you need anything.’ Well, people who are grieving don’t know what they need so they’re not going to call,” Jordan said. “So what they end up doing is going home and trying to figure it out for themselves.”

CL Lepley, a Des Moines-area resident who has grieved many of his loved ones, has made it his mission to reach out to the bereaved in their lives with practical support, such as volunteering to help sort out the closet of the deceased.

Instead of waiting to be asked to help, Lepley takes the initiative to text the grieving person to let them know that they are going to the grocery store to pick up snacks and any other specific items they need. the person wishes, thus taking on the burden of reaching out and making a list of the grieving person.

Lepley also makes himself available to talk about the logistics of death.

“The worst part about the first week is the paperwork, other than losing your loved one,” Lepley said. “If you want to feel free to complain about things that seem insignificant, I’m your man.”

Sit with them in pain

In a culture where death is so taboo, well-meaning friends might approach grieving loved ones the wrong way. Sometimes people feel inclined to force positivity and distract from the loss.

“What people need to understand is that it’s not possible to cheer a person up after a devastating loss,” Jordan said. “Sometimes it’s okay to sit with them in their pain. That’s what helps.

She described some clients receiving grief counseling services who drive 20 miles out of town to avoid running into someone to whom they feel obligated to say “I’m OK.” She noted that it’s a relief to have a support system that the grieving person doesn’t have to work for.

Understand the full extent of the loss

Grief is not only an emotional journey, it also brings physical symptoms, including loss of appetite, interrupted sleep, and brain fog. Jordan said clients sometimes think they’re going crazy when they experience these things, and it helps to have someone to talk to and normalize these experiences.

The death of another person can also cause loved ones, especially the spouse or parent of a deceased person, to feel a loss of identity.

“It’s not just about the grief of what’s happening right now and the loss of the person,” Jordan said. “It is the grief of the loss of a future. Redefining “Who am I now if I’m not my husband’s wife?” » “Who am I now if I am no longer the mother of my child? »

Beyond sadness, grief can be accompanied by anxiety about the future.

Disregarding chronology

You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, many people do not know that Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed these stages to reflect how terminally ill patients come to understand their own eminent mortality.

Jordan said these five steps have been applied too broadly to all grieving people.

“It implies that grief is linear, that we start at the beginning and then there is a finish line,” she said.

In reality, grief and the various emotions that accompany it do not occur in an orderly manner. People can continue to have strong reactions years after a death.

Brianna Wills, an Iowa City mother whose son Calder died of lymphoma in 2017, described feeling like her time of grieving in a culturally accepted way had an expiration date.

“You know that and understand that intuitively,” Wills said. “When you start saying something about your son and someone looks at you sideways like, ‘Oh my God, she’s not just about to talk about her dead son.’ » You can definitely get the sense that people feel uncomfortable when you talk about something like that.

Jordan said she tells her clients they will cry for as long as the person they love is dead.

“I know that sounds a little abrasive, but it’s true,” she said. “We will always mourn this person because love doesn’t die. This relationship never really ends just because they’re gone.”

To hear this conversation, listen Let’s talk about Iowahosted by Nebbe Charity. Daniel Gehr produced this episode.