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Last I heard, no one is perfect. And social life is often accompanied by certain levels of conflict. A colleague might criticize you for getting a promotion while he didn’t, and his reaction to this situation might take the form of resentment and conflict. Your spouse may have emptied your checking account with expensive jewelry without even thinking to consult you. And that could cause problems. Maybe your sister didn’t say THANKS for helping her plan a surprise birthday party for her husband. Your best friend might insult your spouse in public after drinking a little too much eggnog at a Christmas party. A member of your family may have insulted you for no apparent reason in front of your spouse and children. Maybe a friend of yours backed into your car in your driveway while leaving one night and ended up completely denying it (even though you clearly saw it on the Ring camera). And so on.

An unfortunate facet of the human condition concerns the inherent imperfections that we all carry.

When people transgress our attitude, we often do not take it well (see Geher et al., 2019). We often view transgressions, especially those directed at us that are relatively serious, as difficult to forgive. One of the main challenges of navigating the sometimes dangerous waters of the human social world concerns these questions: When is something forgivable? And when was a law passed borders of pardon?

Forgiveness in an evolving context

From an evolutionary perspective, forgiving people too quickly and too easily can be problematic. We evolved as a species in which reciprocity altruismor the tendency to help those who have helped us in the past (see Trivers, 1971), is extremely fundamental. In such a world, it is essential to maintain strong and positive connections. Having a large network of people you can count on to help you (rather than antagonize or exploit you) is the key to a happy and successful life (see my book and Nicole Wedberg’s (2022), Positive Evolutionary psychology).

As my co-authors and I argue in an article on the evolutionary psychology of forgiveness (De Jesus et al., 2021), forgiving others’ transgressions against you without holding them accountable could ultimately hurt us by making us pass for doormats; such unconditional forgiveness would not have been chosen by nature.

From an evolutionary perspective, genuine and deep (emotional) forgiveness really needs many stars to light up. The transgressor must realize his role in the situation and take ownership of it. Feelings of guilt need to get into the picture. A genuine apology, often including a public element, must be offered. And the victim of the transgression must be open to the possibility of forgiveness (which is not always the case, as you know if you are old enough to read this).

That said, forgiveness is one of those critical emotional processes in the human experience that, when appropriate, comes with benefits of various kinds. Below are three benefits of forgiveness based on work in behavioral science.

3 benefits of forgiveness

1. Maintain social connections (see Geher and Wedberg, 2022). Humans evolved to live in small-scale societies surrounded by relatives and other familiars. Losing social connections in such a world would clearly be both hurtful and potentially dangerous. Although our social worlds have developed since pre-agrarian times, our minds have not evolved much beyond that time. For this reason, separations between people remain deeply painful (see Geher et al., 2019). Maintaining strong, healthy social connections has always been an essential part of the human experience. True forgiveness often makes this process easier.
2. Establish or maintain a positive social reputation (see Geher et al., 2019). People who develop a reputation for kindness and forgiveness tend to be admired and liked by others. Cultivating a reputation as a forgiving person is good for your reputation. And a positive reputation is the key to success in the all-too-often dangerous waters of human social life. Forgiving others therefore has mutual benefits.
3. Forgiveness Benefits You Emotionally (see Kim et al., 2022). In an emotional context, truly forgiving others has emotional benefits for the forgiver. Forgiveness is ultimately associated with psychological health, reduced angerand increased hope. It’s not hard to see how this constellation of emotions can help us sleep better at night. Forgiveness, when appropriate, is an emotionally healthy experience.

Conclusion

People make mistakes. We are all imperfect in different ways and to varying degrees. And part of life involves being hurt by others – it’s an unfortunate fact of the broader human experience.

Although humans did not evolve to forgive transgressions with a simple gesture (see De Jesus et al., 2021), we evolved with forgiveness as a tool to (a) help us stay connected to others, ( b) help us cultivate positive reputations, and (c) increase our emotional well-being and that of others.

At this time of year, as daylight continues to fade, if you’re like me, you think about the people in your world. And you might think about forgiving some people you’ve had problems with.

Although forgiveness is not always appropriate or even possible, all things being equal, based on the behavioral science data and insights presented here, it appears that the benefits of forgiveness may ultimately outweigh on the costs of resentment. Think about it this holiday season.

And for the sake of Darwin’s underworld, enjoy the end of the year. 2025 is almost here.