THE Christmas dinner the fantasies beamed to us by seasonal supermarket advertisements show harmonious families laughing and loving without even uttering a crossword.

However, for many families, this couldn’t be further from the truth, as festive bonhomie is replaced by heated, simmering debates. resentments and stony silences.

In a political climate more polarized and more personal than ever, the prospect of breaking bread with family and friends can begin feel less “peace on Earth” and more “please stop talking”.

A 2022 survey from the relationship charity Report found that more than half (52%) of those surveyed anticipated family arguments at Christmas, with the cost of living crisis, how much to spend on gifts and turning off the heating. on all cited as triggers.

“When you’re all cooped up in one house, with alcohol flowing and pressure on certain people to accommodate you, the smallest thing can start a real argument,” explains Dee Holmes, a family advisor at Relate.

It is a situation that Katia Vlachos, author of Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinventionknows. “The holiday season often brings more than just festive joy to our tables,” she says. “In my work as a meditation teacher and reinvention coach, I have discovered that family gatherings can bring up old patterns and trigger unexpected emotions.

“But with a little thoughtful planning, we can turn potentially volatile situations into opportunities for connection – and maybe bonding.” vacation memories along the way. »

Set your intentions before you sit down

“Before you even walk through that door, think about how you want to present yourself. What is more important today: being right or keeping the peace? This may seem obvious when you are calm and reading this, but in the heat of the moment, it’s surprisingly easy to forget. Keep in mind that while you can’t control other people’s behavior, you can control how you react. Take three deep breaths and set a clear intention, perhaps “I choose peace over proving my point” or “I am here to connect, not convince.” This simple intention can create an inner anchor that you can always return to when the conversation gets difficult.

Create space between trigger and response

“When a loved one makes a difficult comment, instead of reacting immediately, pause. Grab your glass and take a sip of water. As you do this, ask yourself, “Is it’s about what’s happening nowOr is this triggering an old pattern? This brief moment of reflection can prevent knee-jerk reactions and remind you that you don’t have to engage with every opinion expressed at the table.

Use “I” statements to express your feelings

“Instead of accusatory language that puts others on the defensive, express your own experience. Instead of: “You always bring up politics to start an argument,” try: “I feel uncomfortable when the conversation turns to political debates at family meals.” This the approach is much less confrontational and opens the door to dialogue.

Master the art of the gentle pivot

“When the conversation veers into sensitive territory, be prepared to use neutral topics to redirect the discussion. Ask about a recent trip, a new hobby, or share a positive memory from a past vacation. Keep a mental list of “safe” topics as conversational lifeboats. The key is to change the subject gently and naturally, without abruptly changing the subject, which would create more tension.

Set Kind But Firm Boundaries

“There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries around certain topics or behaviors. When someone keeps touching a nerve (like your uncle asking why you’re not married yet), try this: “You know what? I’d rather hear about that new Netflix show you’re crazy about. It’s direct, it’s friendly and it works. You don’t close them – you’re moving towards safer ground. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish: it’s essential for healthy relationships. »

Choose curiosity and compassion

“When tensions arise or a loved one launches into one of their controversial opinions, try something different: be curious. It’s not about the opinion itself, but what it hides. A simple “What made you think of that?” » can transform a potential argument in an actual conversation. Often, passionate opinions mask deeper needs – for validation, connection or understanding.

Take 16 seconds for a mental reset

“When you feel tension building, apologize briefly and try this simple breathing exercise: inhale slowly for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, then hold for four counts. Do it again if it makes you feel better. This This technique serves as an “interruption pattern” to your stress response and allows you to regain calm. It’s pretty short to do between classes but effective enough to take you from reactive to reactive.

Know when to take a break

“Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is walk away. Excuse yourself to help in the kitchen, get some fresh air, or watch the kids. Take this time to practice a quick grounding exercise: feel your feet on the ground, take three deep breaths, and remind yourself that this moment will pass. Come back when you feel centered and calm and therefore better equipped to deal with it.

Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention by Katia Vlachos, is now available (Amplify Publishing). For more information about Relate’s services, including face-to-face advice and live chat, visit connect.org.uk