• My preteen feels left out because he’s one of the few kids in his class who doesn’t have a cell phone.
• My husband and I are concerned that he doesn’t have the impulse control of a phone or smart watch.
• We have decided not to get him one at this time, but we will keep an open conversation on the subject.

My 12-year-old son feels left out at school because he doesn’t participate in a group discussion with his classmates. He says he’s one of the only kids in his class without a phone or smartwatch. At first I was surprised, but Common Sense Media reported that 71% of 12-year-olds owned their own smartphone in 2021.

I don’t want my son to feel left out. However, he already owns a Nintendo Switch, a Kindle and an iPad. Even with strict limits on screen use, his access to the digital world seems robust enough for his age.

A few evenings ago at the kitchen table, my son wrote a compelling essay explaining why he should be allowed a smart watch or phone. It was well documented, including this zinger: “I only need to use it when I’m out with friends, so you don’t worry about me. I can leave it on the charger when I’m at home House.”

It seems innocent enough: a tool that will keep him in touch with us when he’s not at home. However, I doubt the device will live on the charger. I’ve heard from other parents whose tweens are in school group discussionthat messages arrive in rapid succession and often at odd times. With access, my son will likely obsess over the influx of messages, making his emotional attachments to his friends even more complex.

I worry about the consequences of giving him a phone

For preteens, a phone or other technological device often has more consequences than just staying connected, Dr Kyra Bobinetdoctor and behavioral expert, told Business Insider. Because the prefrontal cortex, which handles impulse control and decision-making, is still developing, “introducing the phone too early can overwhelm a preteen with constant notifications and endless online options, making it more difficult to self-regulate,” she said. These distractions can make it difficult to create boundaries around screens.

Our tween already melts when his timer goes off to turn off his devices, and he sometimes tries to spend more time in front of a screen. In my experience, he lacks the impulse control and self-constraint that a cell phone or smart watch provides.

Dr Zishan Khanpsychiatrist for children, adolescents and adults, said that because preteens (children aged 9 to 12) are at critical stages of their emotional and cognitive development, devices can expose them to adult content, peer pressure and the dynamics of social media. I’m not ready for.

Excessive screen time can impair their ability to concentrate. He added that it can also contribute to disrupted sleep and interfere with the development of healthy coping strategies and positive social skills. Khan also said that phone use by preteens comes with other risks, such as cyberbullying and privacy and security concerns.

“They may not fully understand the implications of oversharing on the Internet, whether through text, photos or geolocation features,” he said. “It never ceases to amaze me how many times a very intelligent, well-meaning and truly innocent child is forced to do things completely out of character, even being talked into sharing inappropriate photos.

My preteen is more tech savvy than me. Even if we give him a phone with limits, it’s possible that he will circumvent our restrictions.

Although we have decided not to do so, we are maintaining open communication about the issue.

My husband and I took a few simple steps immediately after our son’s request. We’ve explained to our son why we don’t think he’s ready for a phone or smartwatch, including a conversation about his current behaviors.

We told him that we don’t know when he will receive a device, and we also assured him that when we do, give him a phone or a smart watch, we will need to impose healthy limits and restrictions. In the meantime, we offered him a compromise. He can use our phones to text his friends until the time is right to get him his own device. We also promised to schedule intentional time with friends outside of school so he didn’t feel left out.

Although my preteen is not happy with this decision, my husband and I are working to create an open and honest dialogue at home. I hope this creates bridges in our relationship instead of building walls because, like all well-meaning parents, we want to enter adolescence with a strong relationship.