Dear Eric: The last four years of my father’s life, I was a near-constant caregiver. I visited him daily, did his lawn work, took him to doctor appointments, hair salons, sometimes to dinner or a movie. I always took care of his finances and his medications.

He called me up to 10 or 15 times a day for various things or just to talk.

After his death about a year ago, I was overcome with guilt. There were times when his constant needs took over my life. I had no social outlet of my own. I didn’t even travel because I was so worried about what would happen if I left.

I didn’t handle this pressure well and was sometimes angry with my father. A week before he died, I made him cry. I live every day now with a regret that I can’t seem to get rid of. I visit his grave every week and ask for forgiveness.

I can tell myself that if I hadn’t been able to help him, he wouldn’t have been able to stay at home, which he desperately wanted to do until the end. Others commented on my sacrifices for my father. But I still have this feeling of having been a bad son, and it now weighs on every aspect of my life. I found myself isolated in my guilt and grief. I don’t know what I should do to find joy again.

– Still in mourning

Dear Still Grieving: My heart hurts for you. There is no perfect caregiver; there is no perfect son; there is no perfect mourning.

Over time, try to offer yourself forgiveness. Because it seems that, even with the moments of frustration or fatigue, your father did not consider you a bad son. When faced with the uncontrollable – the illness of our loved ones, our inability to stop death – we often focus on what we think we can control. But, in your own opinion, you did your best and your father’s quality of life improved because of it.

If you can, work with a grief counselor to process these feelings. Continue to talk to those you trust, who know how to listen to you without judgment and without trying to rush you. As Megan Devine writes in her book “It’s OK That You’re Not OK,” “Unspoken and unheard pain doesn’t go away. The way to survive grief is to allow the pain to exist, not to try to hide it or rush through it.

A grief support group will also be beneficial. The Family Caregivers Alliance (caregiver.org) is a place to find groups and other resources. Finally, I recommend the books “After Caregiving Ends” by Denise M. Brown and the new collection by storyteller Vignette Fleury, “Sacred Love: Vignettes on Caregiving and Family.” It’s not forever. I wish you peace.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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