Dear Eric: My husband and I are elderly people in a large, blended family. Back when we were younger and both had gainful employment, we paid for everything every time our stepfamily got together. Over the years, the family grew numerically.

The fact that we are retired doesn’t seem to make any difference to our expectations. Every time the group gets together at a restaurant, on an outing, or even to go shopping, we end up paying for everything.

Our adult children range in age from their late 30s to 50s. Most are parents themselves, and some are even grandparents.

We realize that we are primarily responsible for this trend. We still think someone will at least offer to pay for their own family. So far this has not happened. The fact that this is “expected” and taken for granted has limited our desire to get together as a group.

Sometimes, since they assume we are paying, they even invite other people to join the group. We enjoy our time with them until we get the bill. No one even offers to tip.

How, after 35 years, can we break this expectation?

– Tired of paying the bill

Dear Bill: If this has been going on for 35 years, your adult children may think that you to want always pay.

Yeah, I don’t understand why none of your kids have pulled out a single card in the last 35 years, especially as adults. It’s good manners. But since that’s not the case, you need to let them know that you want them to.

Although, in a perfect world, our loved ones would always know us well enough to anticipate our needs, sometimes we need to talk to them about it. Something as simple as “We’d love to go out to dinner, but it would be wonderful if someone else could pay” might suffice. If they all refuse and it’s not because of financial constraints, you have a decision to make. You can continue to pay the bill for the sake of togetherness or find free ways to spend time with family.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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