After years of patience, we finally managed to get our 6-year-old daughter Audrey to understand the importance of giving a sincere apology, and she knows how to do it impressively. Unfortunately, our hard work is quickly undone when she attempts to apologize to her older sister, who often responds in her most adult tone: “I appreciate your apology, but I don’t forgive you.” » Report the dumpster fire, left for Mom and Dad to put out again.

Sometimes pardon is never granted, which could worsen the situation for both parties.

The Forgiver’s Burden

Forgiveness is often described as a gift, one that we choose to give to the offender (relieving him of the guilt And shame they can feel it), and the one we choose to give ourselves (lightening the burden of victimization). But sometimes people believe they deserve to receive gifts.

This is the burden of the forgiver. Although we are taught that forgiveness is a choice – or a gift – the pressure to forgive is real, as are the social consequences of unforgiveness.

In our research on the costs and consequences of unforgiveness, we often see two main sources of social pressure that make victims feel like they have no choice but to forgive. On the one hand, an offender may feel that their apology merits forgiveness, and your refusal to forgive them constitutes reciprocal victimization. On the other hand, observers who may have a stake in your relationship (family members, co-workers) are eager to see you reconcile, so your refusal to forgive an apology makes it seem like You are those who prevent the repair of the relationship.

Source: Alex Green/Pexels

1. Offenders can feel like victims

Acknowledging failures can make offenders feel threatened. This is why apologizing can be difficult. A contrite offender may offer their most sincere apologies, then wallow in shame, patiently waiting for the person they harmed to alleviate their negative feelings through forgiveness.

However, if this forgiveness never comes, this negativity persists and can even get worse. The offender already feels powerless by having to admit their mistakes, so unforgiveness can feel like the victim is deliberately asserting power over the offender. It also seems particularly damning when societal norms lie forgiveness as a moral virtueimplicitly suggesting that the victim is doing something wrong by withholding forgiveness and preventing the relationship from growing.

In our recent research on offenders’ reactions to unforgiveness (Thai, Wenzel, & Okimoto, 2023), we found evidence that offenders react badly to unforgiveness. In three role-playing studies and a survey of actual interpersonal wrongdoers, we found evidence that unforgiveness—through feelings of helplessness and a perception of norm violation—gave offenders who excuse the feeling that they were also victims in the situation.

Not only did offenders feel victimized when forgiveness was not granted, but this feeling consistently translated into regret over apologizing and less willingness to reconcile. In some cases, this has even led to a greater willingness to reoffend and a greater desire to revenge. Even encouraging the offender to step back (i.e., understand why the victim may not have been ready to forgive) did not prevent this downward relationship spiral.

2. Observers don’t like callous victims

To add insult to injury, the expectation of forgiveness after apology also extends to observers. Indeed, a study conducted by Adams and colleagues (2015) found that 64.4% of participants reported believing that forgiveness is the best solution. morally correct answer be a victim.

Because of these conciliatory expectations, our research shows evidence of a social reaction against merciless victims. In two studies examining observer reactions to unforgiveness in work contexts (Gromet & Okimoto, 2015), we found that coworkers disliked victims who had refused to forgive an offender and did not want to not work with them in the future. . However, this negative reaction only occurred when the offender first made a sincere attempt to make amends for his or her wrongdoing.

Again, we find that victims who do not act in accordance with normative expectations for forgiveness may experience interpersonal consequences.

Source: Alex Green/Pexels

Forgiving the Unforgiver

Is forgiveness the right thing to do? Maybe. Probably. But placing this moral burden on someone who has already been a victim is unlikely to produce good results for those involved. It’s better to apologize for our mistakes when we make them, and not worry too much about who deserves forgiveness: we can only control our own actions.

As we head into the holiday season (triggering the inevitable disagreements that result from too much family time), try to remember that forgiveness, like other “gifts,” is more meaningful when someone chooses to offer it.