Melissa Malone wanted to make last Christmas special for her mother. His dementia had progressed and Malone wasn’t sure they would have another chance to celebrate together.

Caring for a loved one with dementia can be very difficult during the holidays, so Malone carefully planned and made adjustments to help her mother and the rest of her family enjoy the festivities.

“We made her all her favorite foods, and we put on some familiar music that she grew up with, we put on the classic Christmas movies that she loved, just to jog her memory,” Malone said.

Malone was caring for her mother at home after moving her out of a memory care facility so she could spend her remaining time surrounded by family.

Adjusting the way you communicate is essential

Malone staggered the arrival of guests for their Christmas celebrations so as not to burden his mother. She asked everyone to introduce themselves, even close family. Malone also worked breaks throughout the day so his mother could lie down or sit in a quiet room, away from where everyone was gathered.

When talking with her mother, Malone and her family tried to stick to “yes or no” questions.

“’Mom, do you want more apple pie, yes or no? “Do you want to lie down, yes or no? » “Do you want to open presents, yes or no?” “It really helps with communication,” she said

There were still times when the conversation became confusing. Although it can be scary and painful to see a loved one forget something or not seem present, Malone said it’s important not to overcorrect or embarrass them, especially in front of others. people.

“I got to the point where I was having a conversation with my mother and what she was saying made absolutely no sense,” she recalls.

“I would go there and we would laugh, we would talk, and I had no idea what we were talking about, but we connected. Because I didn’t shame her and I didn’t make her feel like what she was doing was wrong because what she was doing wasn’t wrong, she was just sick. So she kept her dignity.

This Christmas still wasn’t easy. Caregiving never is, she said.

It’s important for caregivers to take breaks and ask for help when they need it, Malone said, because it’s exhausting and can be heartbreaking to feel like you’re losing a loved one over and over again.

“It’s okay to be upset about illness, and it’s okay to be angry about illness.” But you can’t be mad at that person,” she said.

Spotting the first signs of memory loss during the holidays

Malone credits her nursing career with giving her some experience working with patients with memory loss, but she said she was still unprepared for the reality of being diagnosed with memory loss. his mother.

In fact, it was during a previous vacation period that she began to notice signs of decline.

Her mother loved Christmas, so Malone was disturbed when she visited her mother’s house one day in December 2021 and realized she hadn’t decorated for the season. His mother lived out of state at the time, Malone said, so they didn’t have daily interaction. She felt like her mother didn’t realize the holidays were coming.

When Malone helped put up her tree, the memories they cherished about the ornaments didn’t click.

A few months later, a diagnosis confirmed that his mother suffered from vascular dementia.

“The signs can be so small and far between, and as a family member, you’re so emotionally attached and so close to them, you’re almost in denial,” she said. “Because no one wants to accept their parent is sick or has a terminal illness.

Help is available for caregivers

The holidays may be the time when you start to notice signs of memory loss in family members you don’t see every day.

The Alzheimer’s Association created a list things to look for that could be indicators of dementia. This includes if your loved one seems withdrawn or has difficulty completing familiar tasks.

“If you notice any memory loss or confusion that’s abnormal for them, it’s important that they get tested,” said Makeba Huntington-Symons, senior program manager in Tampa for the Alzheimer’s Association.

“Choose the right time and place to have a discussion and be honest. Listen to them and support them. Early diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease is important for access to new treatments that have been shown to slow progression, recruitment into clinical trials, planning, and care.

Offers from an association more vacation tips with loved ones living with the disease on its website, including how to leverage technology to connect those who cannot visit them in person and how to involve the person with dementia in activities.

If you need to speak to someone, the association offers free telephone support 24/7 at 800-272-3900.

Malone wants more caregivers to know about the resources available. She found great comfort in support groups on social media.

Malone’s mother died a few months ago. Since then, support groups for caregivers who have lost parents have helped her develop coping skills.

Malone wants other grieving people to know that it’s okay to take care of yourself this holiday season.

“You don’t have to celebrate if you don’t want to. … If you just want to be home, if you want to honor that person, you don’t have to explain your grief,” she said.

Warning signs of dementia

• Memory loss that disrupts daily life.
• Challenges related to planning or problem solving.
• Difficulty performing familiar tasks.
• Confusion with time or place.
• Difficulty understanding visual images and spatial relationships.
• New problems with words when speaking or writing.
• Misplacing items and losing the ability to retrace your steps.
• Decrease or poor judgment.
• Withdrawal from work or social activities.
• Mood and personality changes.

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