Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and enjoy each other’s company. Like many couples, after many years, there are certain things we do that annoy each other. He was always a neat and organized person, and I was always a little messy. My closet is usually messy and I forget to put things back where they belong, so he usually reminds me. I am autistic (functional), I have ADD, and at this point in my life, I am menopausal. This is not an excuse but a reason why it is difficult for me to remember things.

Lately his attitude when reminding me or helping me has been just plain mean. He talks to me like I’m a child, he scolds me and makes me feel bad. At first I cried about it and really tried my best to change and remember things, but now when he confronts me I get angry. I tell him I don’t appreciate being treated like a child, which makes him angry. After a few hours, you get over it but a few days later, it happens again. Is it me? Is it him?

– Tired of the stress of mess

Dear Tired: Well, it’s not you; I’ll tell you. Your husband might wish you were more neat or remembered the things he wants you to do, but right now that’s his problem, not yours. Here’s why: he doesn’t accept you as you are and he doesn’t temper his response enough to communicate clearly. Being mean doesn’t make anyone change. He might come to you with solutions or at least with the attitude that you are both doing your best.

Even though I’ve been hard on him, let’s take a step back and assume he’s doing his best too. Perhaps there are aspects of your life together that started out as minor annoyances for him and have now turned into resentments. He may feel helpless in the face of this resentment, but that’s not the case. It’s something he can work on.

He may have gotten it into his head that you do these things on purpose or that you could snap your fingers and change. The sooner he accepts reality, the easier it will be for you to find solutions that meet both of your needs.

I highly recommend the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Shamed and What We Can Do to Help.” Written by married couple Roxanne Emery and Richard Pink, one of whom has ADHD, it offers resources for neurodivergent people and their partners, as well as models for how to have more productive conversations.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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