I don’t care who you are. Everyone needs something this time of year.

Maybe you need a little love from the selection committee. Maybe you need a blank check for your NIL collective. Damn, it’s possible that what you covet the most is just a new year.

No matter who you are, even at the SEC, you might need a Christmas gift from Santa. Today I will be playing the role of Santa for every SEC program.

Here are gifts for each team:

Alabama — “Twisters” on BlueRay

It might be fun for Alabama to consider something that could have canceled that Oklahoma game instead of what actually happened. THE Tide can fantasize about what it would have been like to not have that 24-3 loss on his resume, which is basically what the “Alabama should be in the playoffs” crowd tried to do anyway. Plus, spending 2 hours watching “Twisters” instead of the Playoffs would be healthier than discussing hypothetical matchups on Twitter.

Arkansas — Unlimited Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon

Walmart will connect in the best way to Arkansas kiss the pig. In other words, eat as much pork as possible. Plus, bacon makes everything better, especially the Oscar Mayer Thick Cut variety. After this season of ups and downs, feasting on bacon would put everyone in a better mood.

Auburn – 88,043 of these Cam Newton hats

Why this number, you ask? This is the capacity of Jordan-Hare Stadium. Don’t twist it. This has nothing to do with team pride/former Heisman Trophy winner’s honor and everything to do with obstructing the view of Auburn fans in a large crowd so that they do not see what is really happening on the field.

You know, I wouldn’t say that paid sites are better than free sites. But I’m going to guess that last year, Florida got rid of all subscriptions to ESPN+, The Athletic, PFF, etc. because he was so tired of hearing about Billy Napier in the hot seat and how he was facing the toughest schedule in college football history. Well, after coming off 4 straight wins to end the season with DJ Lagway as the starter, I bet Florida will want to fire up the clippings to hear more about their offseason of good vibes.

Georgia — Uber Black

I don’t need to explain this one. Let us continue to move forward at an appropriate and law-abiding pace.

Kentucky — A championship-style DVD of the day at Oxford

Who could forget it? Who would ever want to forget what Kentucky did to Ole Miss to ultimately prevent it from earning a playoff spot? A championship-style DVD would commemorate the day and make everyone forget that UK just had its worst season since the first year of the Mark Stoops era.

LSU — A punching bag

We know Brian Kelly likes to hit things, especially tables after embarrassing season-opening collapses. We also know that LSU spent November being a national punching bag for self-burning in SEC play, as well as losing to Bryce Underwood to Michigan. It might do LSU some good to express its frustration in a more productive way than deploying a fake Mike the Tiger and hoping that playing “Neck” will solve its problems.

State of Mississippi — The remote control from the movie “Click” »

I know the whole point of this incredibly sad Adam Sandler movie is that we have to appreciate the mundane aspects of life or whatever, but Mississippi State needs the ability to move quickly toward the good parts of this rebuild. Jeff Lebby finished a 0 year that consisted of as many SEC wins as you and me. Alternatively, they can look back on times when they faced playoff quarterfinal participants like Arizona State, Texas and Georgia.

Mizzou — The Complete Harry Potter DVD Collection

Obviously, Eli Drinkwitz is a fantasy fan because he wasn’t living in reality when he said after Oklahoma’s victory: Mizzou still had a chance to qualify for the playoffs. There is no better fantasy world than that of Harry Potter. Which house would Drinkwitz be in? He gives off huge Hufflepuff vibes. Or rather, it’s a Hufflepuff who think he’s a Gryffindor. Again, a little self-awareness would go a long way. Spending 20 hours watching these films instead of the playoffs might be a little more comforting after Mizzou failed to capitalize on the expanded field following its best preseason ranking since the Chase Daniel era.

Oklahoma — Korn Concert Tickets

Look. OU had to deal with a historically terrible offense that suffered numerous injuries, and it was overwhelmed by a challenging schedule in its first season in the SEC. Texas, meanwhile, had the most favorable draw of the SEC regular season. And he got the most favorable draw in the playoffs. Oklahoma needs to go somewhere where he can feel free to scream while having fun. I’m not saying Oklahoma should go for ’99 Korn, but maybe it would do some good to scream at the top of our lungs thinking about better times 25 years ago.

Ole Miss — A rotary phone

No, Kirby Smart. A flip phone might get Lane Kiffin off Twitter, but it’s still not an appropriate gift. Let’s not forget that you can still text on flip phones. Kiffin could get his point across there. He shouldn’t even have access to text messages while watching playoff games and pretending that Ole Mademoiselle Has not lost 3 games against teams not in the current CFP Top 25, including 4-8 Kentucky. It’s one thing if he wants to call a radio show or go on Finebaum to deliver his message, but he shouldn’t have such a free platform to put his delusional, biased playoff thoughts into the universe for that the matches take place.

South Carolina — 30 minutes in Columbia’s best escape room

SEC defenses couldn’t contain him. Clemson couldn’t either. I just want to see if LaNorris Sellers can really escape anything because he’s done it for the entire second half of 2024. This is strictly for entertainment purposes. This could be streamed live and all proceeds would be donated from South Carolina Zero efforts. Think of it like Chad Ochocinco racing a horse.

Tennessee — Team Vacation in Cabo

THE Flights It was cold in Columbus. Some warm weather on a beach would be ideal, as would an escape to a foreign country where talk of the beating they took in the playoffs wouldn’t follow them.

Texas — A wake-up call

Two reasons. The first is that Texas will play its first playoff game on New Year’s Day against Arizona State. There will be no sleep during the Longhorns ahead of their playoff quarterfinal game against Cam Skattebo and Arizona State. And after 14 games in which Georgia was the only real competitor Texas faced, let’s just say Texas can’t sleepwalk through the rest of this playoff field.

Texas A&M—Advil

Not only the Aggies probably need Advil after hitting the wall that was the Texas defense, but they probably also need it to deal with the trolling from Texas fans that will persist after the Longhorns reach the SEC championship and the playoffs in the first year of the SEC. As Angela says on “The Office” as she’s about to receive a customer service tutorial from Kelly: “I don’t have a headache…I’m just getting ready.” »

Vanderbilt — A statue of Diego Pavie outside the renovated stadium

What do you bring to the team that has everything? Art. As in an art that they will want to show with pride. Even if Pavia doesn’t win another game next season when he returns to Nashville, we’ll still have the day he beat Bama and made Vandy the most exciting it has ever been.

Connor O’Gara is the senior national columnist for Saturday Down South. He is a member of the Football Writers Association of America. After spending his entire life in B1G country, he moved to the South in 2015.