Most days he works from home and participates in many Zoom calls per day. He says the work is better than he could have imagined. But during this time, we didn’t take any vacations together. When I ask him to take a trip together, he always says I should go because he’s too busy and I need to stop being antagonistic.

We’ve had dinner with mutual friends less than 10 times. He seems to be a workaholic. He likes to watch movies with me and sometimes have dinner together. I’m flattered that he wants to spend time with me but sad that we don’t have a community together. I feel bored and uninspired.

He does not share anything about his financial situation. He is very secretive. When his parents were in town, he had dinner with them at 5 p.m. six nights a week for a few months. I find this excessive.

I don’t know if we should break up or stay together.

I’m not sure if I’ll be single again

A. I don’t want to be too blunt, but I don’t understand what you’re getting out of this relationship. Part of the reason for the move was financial, but he is inconsistent and angry about mortgage payments. He devotes a lot of time to his parents and his work, but not to building a relationship with you.

There is a difference between being a workaholic and being a person who is not ready to be an equal partner in a relationship. It seems to be the latter and if he isn’t willing to learn how to show up for you, you need to show up yourself and show him the door.

You write that you are flattered when he spends time with you. But spending time with you isn’t doing you any favors, it’s something he should want to do and be proactive about. You deserve this.

Q. Over the past 30 years, I have been very generous to a sibling who was never in very good financial shape.

I felt a certain contempt from her and her family towards my generosity. I get a thank you or acknowledgment maybe half the time. She is very angry and regularly snaps at me about things that happened 20 or 30 years ago, making sarcastic comments about stupid little things I did that made her angry.

After many years of letting it go, I find myself very angry at his ingratitude and attitude towards me. I always felt sorry for her and wanted to make her life better, but maybe by doing that I made her feel bad about herself.

We haven’t spoken in almost a year. I realize that the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have significantly reduced the amount of money I give him.

But I hate feeling anger and resentment towards her, and I wish I could find a way to move on and let go of all these negative emotions. I don’t even really know if she’s aware that I’m upset.

FINANCING FAMILY

A. Money talks, but it mumbles a lot, which is why we need to be particularly clear in our communications about it. Reducing your generosity is good, but it won’t get to the root of the problem and risks being misinterpreted.

It will help you a lot if the two of you can have a conversation focused on how you feel about each other and your relationship. You need a place to process your resentment and she probably does too.

Before contacting her, think about what you really want. It can be as simple as a thank you. But I suspect it’s more complicated than that. Is there a part of you that is hurt by his response or sarcastic comments? Do you feel frustrated because the money you donated did not end the evil? Ask yourself what would make you feel valued in this relationship.

You write that she may not even know you are upset; it’s painful to read because it suggests that she doesn’t give you the same thought and care that you give her.

Sort through your feelings and determine what your solo responsibility is and what you can bring to your conversation with her.

R. Eric Thomas can be contacted at [email protected].