Question

My brother and his wife have a five-year-old son with significant sensory and emotional needs. I work as a teacher and I assume he could have ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) Or autism. When he comes to visit or attend family events, he is unable to communicate and often collapses.

However, his parents are not willing to accept, discuss, explore, or receive support from the family in any way. Her mother, in particular, is very defensive and narcissistic. She won’t admit anything is wrong and is paranoid about anything we suggest to help. All the images she posts on social media are perfect and we believe they are in strict denial in order to save face. In fact, they almost stopped coming to family events and actually moved away to “hide” their reality.

When we rarely meet, no one is allowed to talk about their son for fear that he will never come back to visit us. Even my brother who I got along with has moved away and doesn’t want to talk to me about it anymore.

Meanwhile, my nephew continues to struggle without the recognition or support he needs, which I find terrible.

Answer

I think your question highlights many complex family dynamics. It’s difficult, as an aunt, to see your nephew struggling, to feel helpless and not be able to help him. It’s also hard to feel like you’re losing your relationship with your brother (and your nephew) because of what’s happening. Even if you have good intentions to help, be careful not to appear critical of your brother and his wife. Referring to your wife as “narcissistic” or “paranoid” (even if you don’t use those words out loud) will likely mean that your communication is steeped in judgment and criticism. This will likely make her more defensive and increase the likelihood that she will cut herself off from you or refuse your help.

( Matt Haig: ‘ADHD and autism have helped me be more compassionate with myself, but it doesn’t define me’Opens in a new window )

When trying to help, it is important to show compassion and understanding for what your brother and his wife are going through and to respect how they are trying to handle things. It is likely that they are under significant stress and difficulties, but are struggling to cope and get support. When raising a child with additional needs, many parents do not immediately realize what they are facing, and it may take some time before they are ready to seek outside assessment and support.

While you may think it’s “urgent” that they request an evaluation for their son, it’s far more important that it’s done the right way, when his parents are ready. Once he starts school, his teacher will be able to provide feedback on his progress and encourage assessment if necessary.

Faced with challenges, many families “batten down the hatches” and focus on their nuclear family as they try to find a way to cope. This is often motivated by a desire to protect their child. Specifically, many young neurodivergent children find extended family social events very stressful, resulting in distressing tantrums.

A natural response for parents is to reduce their child’s exposure to these events until they can cope better, especially if they feel like their extended family is judging them. It is also completely understandable that they can present a positive image on social media and remain very private about their struggles. As an aunt, you do not automatically have the right to be your brother’s confidante to his child – you must earn this right by establishing a trusting relationship with him.

When they visit, it is important to listen and provide support, but do not view your role as “raising issues” or giving advice about their son. If there are challenges such as meltdowns, be careful when you jump in and instead ask them what support they would like or how you can help them. Additionally, it may be helpful to modify the circumstances of the visit. For example, maybe a large family event is too difficult and maybe a small gathering could be easier. Maybe outdoor situations will work better than indoors.

( A Strengths-Based Approach to Raising Autistic, ADHD, and Other Neurodivergent ChildrenOpens in a new window )

As a first step, it might be helpful to contact your brother to meet him. If it helps, you can say that you feel things have “gone down” between the two of you recently and you’re looking to “reset.” Don’t use the meeting to seek to give advice about his son, but simply focus on listening to make a connection.

Acknowledge how difficult it can be to raise a spirited little boy and ask if there is anything you can do to help. For example, he might appreciate some practical help, like if you take his son for a few hours to give him and his wife a break. This will give you the opportunity to build your relationship and increase trust with your brother so that you can be a real resource for your nephew.

It is important to be patient and wait for your brother to come to you asking for your support and advice.