Having an objective ear is one of the attractions of therapy. Unlike your best friend, partner or mother, a therapist will not take your thoughts, behaviors or actions personally, but will listen to you without judgment. In doing so, they can help you find a better relationship with yourself and those around you.

But the fact that they are more objective does not mean that therapists are free from their own interpretations. It’s their job to listen, and so there will be many things they think and feel but don’t express. You’ve probably wondered what these things are.

In order to get answers, I spoke to Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley, a licensed psychologist and therapist with over 20 years’ experience as a healthcare professional, about the things that annoy and frustrate therapists.

She shared not only the discomforts, but also what these things can say to therapists and patients.

“These are all clues, gems that you can really focus on and help with,” she says.

“If you are a therapist and you feel frustrated by these things, you need to view this as something that is projected onto you and try to meet them with curiosity. Rather than being frustrated by it, we really need to face it with compassion and empathy.

She adds that you also shouldn’t panic if you notice any of these habits in yourself.

“If you recognize yourself in these behaviors – seeking validation or trying to control the session for example – working collaboratively with your therapist can be incredibly helpful. Perhaps you could think about the question: “What am I protecting myself from?” or “What model am I recreating here?” and introduce this curiosity into your sessions.

“But let’s also remember that this should be your therapist’s job first and foremost: to notice and engage in these behaviors with care and curiosity, helping you make sense of them.”

Not following through on agreed actions

One thing that can come up often, says Dr. Goddard-Crawley, is that a therapist may work with the client over a long period of time on a strategy for changing a certain pattern or behavior, such as standing up to someone they he usually lets it go. all over them. But in the end, they don’t follow through. “A customer may say, ‘Oh, I forgot,’ or choose to ignore it. And if it happens repeatedly, it can be a little frustrating,” she says.

But this resistance could well express something unconsciously. “I think what we’re seeing here could be interpreted as an unconscious resistance to control or a form of defiance. It can also be a form of defense or self-protection against a fear of failure.”

Ignoring key points of the session

Ignoring is slightly different from forgetting, she explains. “Rather than simple avoidance, this behavior could represent a form of dissociation, in which the client unconsciously “disconnects” from potentially distressing ideas to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings. This process can prevent them from confronting aspects of themselves that they find difficult to accept or integrate.

Constantly canceling, rescheduling or being late

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As in any walk of life, therapists find it very frustrating to have to repeatedly move scheduled appointments. without reason.

“It can disrupt the flow. And to be completely honest, that means I have some extra work to do. But it could also be a sign that something else is going on.

She explains that the constant change means there is likely to be a bit of avoidance or ambivalence about therapy – “it’s a way of regulating a sense of control over the sessions. For some reason the ego must feel like it is in control.

But rather let this be a reason therapy may not workshe advises you to recognize and explore this about yourself. “Is it a fear of facing uncomfortable emotions, or perhaps a fear of being judged? Starting small can help – for example, focusing on attending one session at a time rather than committing to a long-term process.

“Communicating this difficulty with the therapist is a wonderful step; a good therapist will pace yourself and explore these avoidant behaviors with curiosity rather than criticism, ultimately finding a way to help you.

Seeking validation or approval

Being open with a therapist is a vulnerable feeling, so it can be natural to seek validation from your therapist. This can be as subtle as nonverbal cues like a pleading expression or wide, impatient eyes, or it can be more explicit: a customer frequently asks “Did I do x right?” » / “What do you think? »

Dr Goddard-Crawley explains that it’s not necessarily boring, but it can put a lot of pressure on them. “It can make you feel a certain way too much responsible. But again, this is 1,000 percent reflective of something else going on.

She explains that this reliance on external validation is not a problem in itself. In fact, she says that “at the very beginning of a relationship, it is necessary to create a sense of companionship.” However, she adds, “if it feels intrusive, there may be resistance to healthy boundaries,” and in addition to trying to gain approval, they feel they are lacking in other areas. .

Avoid Difficult Topics

“Avoid and do not speak difficult topics it’s a big thing,” she said. These are usually topics that we expect to be judged on (like “ugly” feelings toward those close to us) or that we find uncomfortable or threatening.

“These avoided topics often feel loaded with shame or pain, which makes them difficult to confront,” she says. “Yet by avoiding them, they remain hidden and unhealed, rather than being explored through the lens of empathy, kindness and understanding.

“But we have to be very careful with this because many things are likely to cause psychological pain.”

This means that they must be traveled with great caution. “We have to be very hesitant, very skillful and patient about how we might approach painful topics, especially if they are not covered in the session.”

Control the session

Sometimes clients can monopolize a session to the point that the therapist can’t get a word in. It’s as if the client is there to vent rather than think about whatever they’re discussing.

“They fill space with words, but sometimes it can feel like they’re filling space to avoid,” she says. “It might be that they’re filling up the space and we’re not talking about things we could be working on, or there’s a little bit of avoidance. This type of breakdown may mean that there is no reciprocal relationship. This may mean that there is no chance to introspect or build on ideas or even question these things.

Excessive excuses

“Another common situation, which I find a little harsh actually, is that patients apologize for everything,” she says. “They can be ahead or behind, but then they get stuck on it, it’s almost like a loop that they get stuck in. This needs to be treated with a lot of compassion and a lot of empathy, but again, it can be excessive and a bit distracting.

She explains that this may signal a defense rooted in guilt or shame, “perhaps in a context where the client felt ‘too much’ or needed to appease others to avoid conflict.”

Information retention

Another example is that a customer will wait until the last minute to share something, whether deliberately or not. “For example, in the last or next to last session, someone may witness a particularly important, painful, or traumatic event, but they may have waited until the very end to tell you about it. talk,” she said. “It can be very frustrating because you’re trying to maintain a boundary, but you may feel like the job wasn’t done very well. It may seem like there wasn’t the necessary ending.

This could indicate a fear of rejection or judgment, she explains. “By only revealing vulnerable parts at the last moment, the client maintains control and limits exposure. »

Again, Dr. Goddard-Crawley recommends naming this fear of opening during the session itself, when possible. “Simply saying, ‘I’m having trouble opening up,’ can start an important conversation about creating a safe, supportive space.” Starting small, with less emotionally charged topics, can make the process easier and allow trust to develop naturally over time.