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Forgiveness seems to remain a somewhat obscure dynamic. For most actions, the choice is clear: we can say “I swim” or “I don’t swim.” Typically, the negative statement might translate to what I do when I’m not swimming, such as sitting on the beach or taking a walk. But a while ago I noticed that when it came to forgiveness, I couldn’t identify what I was doing when I wasn’t forgiving. Why was it so hard to figure out what was happening when I didn’t forgive someone?

My research took me to the 13th century Roman church. It seems that it was a custom that when a person was not forgiven, their name was posted on the door of the church, where they were cursed. That was my answer. When I don’t forgive someone, I curse them. I at least quietly attack their character and I would like them to be unhappy. Carrying around such toxic energy probably doesn’t serve us well. I am negatively attached to the very person who hurt me. Let’s look at what might be stopping us from forgiving others and what steps we can take to grant forgiveness.

Forgive others

These are three common obstacles to forgiving others:

1. Be right-thinking. I decided that I would never do something as horrible as what was done to me.
2. Staying Attached to Being a Victim. It’s too easy to allow ourselves to continue to be victims of an author.
3. Feeling entitled to revenge. Revenge keeps us connected to the one who hurt us. This is simply not an effective way to let the abuser go.

Here are seven steps you can take to forgive others:

1. Consider forgiving others as a gift to yourself.
2. Identify someone who might benefit you from forgiving.
3. Name the obstacle that might get in your way and decide if you are ready to let go of it. You may need to figure out what it will take to give it up.
4. Identify the injury, angerOr grief associated with how you were injured.
5. Decide if you are ready to forgive this person and if you are, tell a trusted friend what you plan to do or say.
6. If you’re ready, go ahead and tell them about your forgiveness or keep it quiet.
7. Decide whether you want to reconnect with the person who hurt you or abandon them. You may need to discuss this with someone you trust to help clarify your true intention.

Forgive yourself

These are common obstacles to forgiveness:

1. Shame. When shame takes hold of us, it makes us feel like we don’t deserve our forgiveness. I recommend John Bradshaw’s book Healing the shame that binds you as a resource forshame.
2. Waiting for someone to forgive you. Many of us have learned that forgiveness must come from someone other than ourselves. Initially it had to come from a minister of the Church, which prevented us from being able to forgive ourselves.
3. Not forgiving myself will teach me a lesson. The only real lesson is to decide that you don’t deserve forgiveness. No evidence suggests that continuing to curse ourselves will generate meaningful learning.
4. If I forgive myself, I could get through this. I hear this and wonder what the “hook” is? I guess that’s being really responsible. How much guilt and remorse do you need to feel responsible? This may mean repairing the injured party or offering reparation.

Five steps to self-forgiveness:

1. Be willing to take responsibility for forgiving yourself.
2. Work with the obstacle that inhibits your ability to forgive yourself.
3. Address any guilt by identifying what is needed to let go of the guilt. You may need to repair the injured party or provide some form of restitution.
4. Get help.
5. Stop cursing yourself and reestablish your connection to your essential goodness.
6. Continue to practice self-forgiveness as spiritual practical.

Benefits of self-forgiveness:

• We become braver and more willing to forgive ourselves when a choice results in an unfavorable outcome.
• We are becoming more risk averse.
• As we see ourselves as deserving of forgiveness, we forgive others more.
• As we understand the futility of self-abuse by cursing ourselves, we become more willing to forgive ourselves.
• We gradually accept the responsibility to forgive ourselves rather than waiting for someone to do it for us.